No No November

There are only four days left in my favorite month. November really flew by in a blur.

First, some good parts: 

The kids and I attended a Dia de los Muertos celebration at our local library. I went to book group with friends. I celebrated my birthday and my friends made me feel special. I bought myself a boxed set of Jane Austen novels with birthday money from my extended family. I went to the movie theater to watch The Ballad of Songbird and Snakes with another mom and a bunch of middle schoolers. We had a lovely Thanksgiving at home with family and good food. Yesterday we celebrated friends at fun birthday parties.

Before the bad parts, let me introduce myself:

Hi, my name is Sarah and I care a lot. I think that's why I have built the life I live. I am primarily a parent, the organizer of and caregiver within my home. My career in veterinary medicine has always been about caring for others. My brief detour as an elementary school educator was also rooted in my desire to care for others and help them grow. 

Caring a lot is what I do. Also, I worry. 

I'm really skilled at waking up in the middle of the night and thinking about what will happen in the future. I can stay awake in the wee hours planning what I will do to make a scenario run smoothly the next day. Sometimes I can't plan my way around a situation, so I just imagine all of the possible outcomes and get nauseous. 

So, you can probably imagine how I was doing when October ended with a family member in the hospital. He was quickly diagnosed with several health issues, including a cancer called Multiple Myeloma. He's doing okay and is home now, but he is weak, fatigued, and well... fighting cancer. Thankfully, this particular type of cancer responds well to treatment, so hopefully it goes away fast. He lives around the corner from us, so my husband and I have been walking over there daily to visit him and offer any help we can. Also, because I'm a medical professional who is very skilled at caring and worrying, I really want to get involved in any way I can to make his medical experience less stressful and more successful. I'm helping him stay organized, I'm explaining things when his care teams fall short, and I'm giving lots of hugs. And sometimes, afterwards, I go home and cry. 

Next up in Bad News November, my dog has cancer. It's lymphoma. It can go into remission with treatment, but it always comes back. It kills dogs quickly. Thankfully, Myrtle feels well, is still extremely happy, pain free, and doing really well on steroids. However, we likely only have a couple of months together. We could have chosen to treat with chemo to buy an extra year or so of time, but that won't work very well for our lives right now. So, sometimes I lie awake at night and become increasingly nauseous. It's okay, I guess. 

November, November. You have hurt my heart this year. 

Guilt for Resting + 504x2

Springtime finally showed up! Yay! Also, Boo! It's too hot in the afternoons, my cork oak tree is pooping pollen everywhere, and my allergies are trying to kill me. I know that I will survive, but I also plan to spend time hiding indoors for the next week or two. That means my messy yard will just have to stay messy for a little while longer.  It's fine, I'm just feeling self-imposed, overachiever guilt associated with not getting my yard work done in a timely manner. 

Inhale. Exhale. Let it go.

In other Type-A, "Gift Child, Anxious Adult" news: I'm trying to rest this week. Last week was busy with my usual chaotic/stressful work, overtime associated with my usual chaotic/stressful work and working from home. It left me feeling like a zombie. So this week, in addition to avoiding outdoor chores that make me sneeze while my eyes itch and water, I am also NOT taking on more work inside my house. I'll still do my usual everything, but instead of cleaning the oven or mopping, or something extra special, I'm going to sit on my couch and take a virtual class for ME. I'm going to lie in the sun and read a book -but only for 20 minutes because it is hot out there and my pale skin will burn to a crisp- for myself. I'm going to sit here and compose this blog because writing makes me happy.

It's hard though, because I feel guilty for not doing something else... something that feels more like work.

Gah.

I'm trying to teach my kids that it's okay to rest. I think one of them gets it, the other one got my neuroses.  

I had a meeting at the school today. Now both of my kiddos have 504 Plans and accommodations in place to help them be successful students. It's not that I need them to be perfect students or anything, I just need them to feel good about themselves while they are in school. I don't want either of my kids to feel like they are dumb or failures for struggling in a classroom setting. Hence the 504s to provide some protections so they can be successful little unicorns in a system that wasn't made with individuality in mind.

Still, I'm grateful that children with certain health diagnoses that affect their experience in general education are entitled to accommodations under the Americans with Disabilities Act. Did you know the freaking ADA wasn't even a law until 1990? It only took 214 years of our nation's existence to guarantee equal access to public places, public schools, and employment to disabled citizens. America is such a shit show. I'm glad the ADA exists now. Better late than never, I guess?

This society is good at cranking out little workers for capitalism and leaving behind anyone who doesn't fit the mold perfectly. That's probably why I feel so wrong sitting on my couch for an hour in the middle of a Wednesday. 

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Currently Reading: In the Lives of Puppets by TJ Klune and Wayward Son by Rainbow Rowell (on audiobook)

Independence?

Today I went to the store without my phone. ON PURPOSE. 

I needed to go out for two items. (One was out of stock when I was shopping across town yesterday, and I completely forgot to purchase the other item. Oops.) The closest store is located exactly half a mile from my house. I could have driven there in three minutes but decided to walk because it is lovely out today, I wanted to get outside and move, and I had plenty of time. My phone was (and still is) charging and I thought to myself, "Self, what if we just left the phone here to charge?" Before me and myself could start debating it too heavily, I grabbed my keys, sunglasses, an insulated bag, and I walked out the door. 

Post-Walk Selfie. It's still plugged in. 

I was gone a total of 25 minutes. 

I spent the first three convinced that one of my children would end up in the school nurse's office with a broken limb or a volatile stomach virus. They would call me, then worry when I failed to answer the phone. Then my husband or parents would receive a phone call -being next in line on the emergency contact list- and they would worry as to why I didn't answer my child's call. People would be upset at me for being out of reach!

After a deep breath, I convinced myself that I could be away from my phone for half an hour. People go that long without answering their phones during important meetings or when they are bathing, right? My parents parented without constantly being accessible by phone, as did their parents before them, and so on and so on, and humanity has survived up to this point. Surely, I can take a quick trip to the store without the world crumbling down around me. 

So I walked -quickly- and made sure to empty my brain of extra thoughts and instead pay attention to the world around me. I noticed the trees, some very dormant, some beginning to think about waking up as if Winter is over. I smiled through a window at a dog sunning itself on the back of a couch. I appreciated the cool air and the warm sun and the feel of my feet on the pavement. I felt happy. 

Then I purchased my two items (sliced cheese and Italian sausage, if you must know) and walked back home. 

And you know what? I didn't miss a single call. Not even a robot telling me my non-existent car loan payment was overdue. 

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Currently Reading: Tress of the Emerald Sea by Brandon Sanderson and Why We Can't Wait by MLK Jr. (on audiobook)