Money, Health Care, and Freckles.

Ugggghhhh...
Guys! I don't write in here often enough. This is such a great outlet for me. Have I told you that I compose the beginnings of blog posts often in my head, but then never actually get to type them here? Well, I do.

This is not one of those pre-composed-in-my-head posts, though. This is straight off the cuff. As a result, it's bound to be rambling and off-topic. Forgive me, or just skip this one.

I have so many things I could write about, so many things I want to write about. Did you know that I spent four solid days in Ohio a few weeks ago and that it was splendid? I want to write about my visit there, but not tonight.

Tonight, I am going to write about my children. Shocking, I know. (I always write about my children because my children are my life, because I am a woman of privilege in America and we're all destined to be mothers who give up our everything for our children, and it is exhausting. But that is for another post.)

Something new came to us in the mail this week. It was a statement from our health insurance company telling us that Emma, my beautiful, small child, has REACHED HER OUT OF POCKET MAXIMUM for the year. That has never happened before. This year, since the insurance coverage changed to make her speciality medication copay $150 each month, and we had our usual number of rheumatology appointments, PLUS a special visit to the podiatrist and the multiple X-ray views he wanted of her ankles prior to her appointment, well... I guess that all adds up.

I never expected that my child's medical bills would be more than mine in the course of the year. *sigh*

The good news is that she is doing well. The pain she had in her heal and ankle for the past several months seems to be due to tight tendons as a result of growth spurts, and not due to her arthritis at all. Regular stretching, new shoe inserts, and more supportive shoes seems to have greatly improved that situation. She has had intermittent pain in her jaw that I can't explain. Is it arthritis in her jaw, or just some fun TMJ type of thing? Great question. Who knows?

She sure knows how to read, though, and I sure do love that.

My boy child, Liam, is a splendid little creature. His medical out of pocket total for the year has been $0 because his annual "well check" was covered by insurance and I don't recall him needing medical care at any other time in 2018. Yet. (Somebody, please knock on wood.)

Liam makes me crazy in the way that a small child is bound to make a mother crazy. He has a few "character" sweatshirts that he really likes. One is Yoda with a hood that pulls over his face, complete with eye-holes and Yoda ears on top. The newest is a bright yellow Pikachu sweatshirt with cute little ears on the hood. He wears his yellow Pikachu sweatshirt most days, ALL DAY, at school. I have to force him out of it at the end of the school day, when we are about to walk home in 80ºF weather. The thing is filthy after 2 days, but I'm only going to wash it once a week, so there.

It's a good thing the kid is adorable and fond of solving math problems.

I'm tired and I'm not exactly sure I'm making sense, so I'm going to go now... Almost...

Just remember that adorable children (and adorable adults) might have "invisible" illnesses that cause them to reach their out of pocket maximum for the year at the beginning of October, and you have no idea what their struggles in life might be, so please, be kind.

Truth Telling/Telling My Truth

I have something to tell you. I am an atheist, and I am an atheist because I am agnostic. I guess you could call me an agnostic atheist. 

a·the·ist  noun  a person who disbelieves or lacks belief in the existence of God or gods. (Google Dictionary)

ag·nos·tic noun  a person who believes that nothing is known or can be known of the existence or nature of God or of anything beyond material phenomena; a person who claims neither faith nor disbelief in God. (Google Dictionary)

Agnostic Atheism is a philosophical position that encompasses both atheism and agnosticism. Agnostic atheists are atheistic because they do not hold a belief in the existence of any deity and agnostic because they claim that the existence of a deity is either unknowable in principle or currently unknown in fact. (Wikipedia)

Now you know that you know an atheist and that she is a normal, kind, friendly person.

I have nothing against holding a belief in a god. I was a believer in God and Christ for a solid twelve years of my life. I know first-hand the great comfort, peace, and joy that comes with having faith in a higher being and worshipping in a community of fellow believers. I get it. Religions, faiths, and myths have been a central piece of human communities since human communities began. We are knowledge-seeking creatures and it only makes sense that humans, as a species, have been looking for and suggesting explanations for the world around us, the life inside us, and the beauty, magnitude, suffering, connection, and mystery of it all.

People have believed in fairies, gods of thunder, fertility goddesses, gods of the seas, spirits, shape-shifting animals, giants, gods of the sky, and many other deities to explain it all. I'm cool with that, I just wish we could realize that each person's god is no greater than the god of his neighbor, the gods of her ancestors, or the inexplicable mysteries of the mystic down the street. (Also, I'm cool with your beliefs as long as they don't turn you into terrible people who harm yourselves or others. Then I have a problem with your beliefs.)

If you don't know much about religions outside from the ones you were raised with or regularly exposed to in your community, I challenge you to learn about other people's beliefs. Read a lot of books about religions past and present. If you're the extroverted type, go to church with a neighbor, drop in at your local Hindu/Jewish/Sikh temple for a visit, ask that Wiccan coworker what she believes. There is something beautiful and terrifying about the ways that religions and beliefs both unite us and divide us. It paints a vivid portrait of what it means to be human.

So yeah, I don't believe in god because I'm seeking after truth and facts and right now, as far as I can tell, no one knows and no one can prove the existence of a god. At the same time, I know that my agnostic atheism is no greater than your belief in a higher being.

I see your humanity, and I think it is beautiful.

Happy Passover, Vernal Equinox, Full Moon, and Easter. May your Spring holiday of choice bring you happiness as you focus on the rebirth of the planet, the fresh chance to start each day anew, and the hope and joy that comes with this season.

Accomplishments (And many parenthetical statements.)

I've been in a bit of a rut lately. I'm tired all the time, super irritable, frustrated, angry, feel spread thin, and heavy with dislike. Pretty much, I'm human and life is hard. However, the past seven days have been pretty good and I'm feeling proud of myself, so I'm going to write about it to document the ups in contrast to the downs of life.

In one week I have:
Done a full 30 minutes of yoga on my own at home... four times! (My shoulders hurt now.)
Meditated or made a few minutes for me to be still and breathe... five times!
Gone on a family date to a movie and lunch. (Peter Rabbit!!!)
Washed, folded, and put away all of the sheets and towels!
Scheduled my first ever therapy session! (I haven't gone yet.)
Spent time at the park with my friend, TWICE!
Actually made time to read books.
Trimmed some of the ivy that is our front yard and extended our porch a bit.

The husband got these brick things (Apparently they are called "castle wall blocks," which sounds alright to me!) from our neighbor several years ago when the neighbor started his home remodel. My husband is Mr. Resourceful and hates to see any building material go in the garbage because "he could make something out of that!" So, for several years, these blocks have been sitting in my driveway waiting to be used.

Today, the kids didn't have to go to school and I didn't have to go to work (Thanks Terre!) so I had beautiful, glorious, extra time. The weather was gorgeous and we just couldn't stay inside! After a lazy breakfast, I got out the extension cords and hedge trimmers, the kids got out their bicycles and scooters, and we spent a big chunk of the morning in the front yard.

I feel accomplished. I feel healthy and alive when I use my body and strength (ha!) to create physical change in my environment. I also feel my emotional health improve when I spend a good part of the day outside.

So, hooray for the past week. Fingers crossed for more of the same.

Catch Up Smash Up, I'm Such A Mom.

Have I told you that I compose blog posts in my head on a regular basis? Sometimes I even "talk to text" compose them as notes in my phone, then never go back to edit the horrendous grammar and spelling to turn them into actual posts.

Like this one, which I will edit for you now...

"Motherhood is the single worst thing I have ever done for my personal health. It started with pregnancy. Pregnancy was the most beautiful, rewarding experience ever, but it also happened to throw my hormones out of whack and make me more tired than I had ever before been in my life. Then, I entered the magical world of postpartum life. Being a new mom was amazing, beautiful, and rewarding, but the hormones were still out of whack, creating exhaustion and stimulating an autoimmune disease that completely messed up the metabolism of every cell in my body. Add to that the sleep deprivation, interrupted sleep, and general lack of sleep that comes with caring for an infant. I don't know of anything more stressful on my body or my mental health than lack of sleep. It suppresses my immune system, makes me forgetful, and makes me cranky. Add to that the new level of stress that comes from caring so deeply about another being that their hurt is also my pain, their fear is my fear, and their adventures are also my fears. Stress further suppresses the immune system. I'm ripe for infection just in time to receive extra exposure to viruses via sticky daycare fingers, Kindergarten coughs, and preschool kisses.
Motherhood. It's gross, it's exhausting, it's unhealthy. It's also my favorite thing ever."

Or this one that is fresh out of my brain right now...

Emma gets a shot once a week. Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it doesn't. Her arthritis isn't hurting her though, and that's all that matters. It seems to be in medicated remission, but the doctor doesn't say those words until we have enjoyed a whole year free of symptoms. So it goes.

Today, right after I poked her in the back of her arm, I repeatedly kissed her elbow. While applying light pressure with a tissue to the injection site to catch a mixture of medicine and blood that was leaking out of a pin-prick hole in her arm, I smooched her over and over. I told her I didn't kiss her enough as a baby and I was making up for it now. She said, "Is that true?" and my response was something along the lines of, "I don't know, but you can never have too many mommy-kisses."

The truth is, I didn't kiss her enough when she was a baby. I was scared of her. She was this thing that cried and didn't sleep well, this tiny person that I could accidentally break or mess up. I was so stressed as a new mom that I didn't enjoy her. I was so worried about breathing on her face, or bumping the soft spots of her head, or giving her too much food, or not enough food, or the wrong kind of food, and everything else that you can possibly imagine me worrying about that I didn't realize I could hold her for pleasure until she was like six months old. (I'm just picking that number out of the air. It might have been ten month, when she was even more sturdy and appeared less breakable.) Don't get me wrong, I held my baby, but I held her to meet her needs. I held her to comfort her, to soothe her, to calm her worries. In the midst of it all, I didn't realize that I could hold her so that she could comfort me.
I can't believe I missed that.

Somehow, I didn't screw her up. Yet.
Emma is a Girl Scout, a Brownie. (I am up to my eyeballs in Girl Scout cookie sales. I can't wait for them to be over next week so I can take a freaking break. Except that I won't take a break, not really, because I just don't know how.) She says that her favorite subjects in school are reading, science, math, and art. She likes to be a spy and pick on her brother. Also, she plays the piano like a champion. She is participating in the school district's science fair this week and I am beyond proud of her. She is a voracious reader, a friend to many people, and a teacher-pleaser like her mother before her. She likes the freedom she feels when the wind blows through her hair while she rides her bike. She is self-conscious when chastised by her Daddy. Her freckles are delicious pieces of my soul reflected on her nose and cheeks, and I adore her infinitely. I am trying to make up for every missed snuggle and kiss of her infancy because I now know that she is a healing balm to my soul.
*sigh*

I mustn't leave out my boy child. Do you know him? I don't think I have screwed him up yet, either. Thankfully, by the time he came around I was a more relaxed mother. I found quiet time in the day to enjoy him as a newborn. Plus, he slept and ate more and cried less than his big sister did when she was as small, so that made me less stressed as his mom.

Liam's eyes are still blue and magnificent, they have been so since his birth.  He picks up sticks whenever we go out and has an impressive stick collection in the back yard. He adores being outside and being around his Daddy. He falls down and scrapes his knees a lot. He loves all of the friends he is making in Kindergarten. I wish he ate more and slept in longer. He is a lean little guy. He is becoming a reader and I love the way he sounds out new words everywhere we go. Liam's Spanish accent is impeccable and when I hear him roll his R's I am both impressed and envious. His handwriting is atrocious in the stereotypical way a left-handed little boy's handwriting might be. He likes animals and climbing and burying himself in sand.

We cuddle. He sits in my lap at the end of meals, when we're folding laundry, or reading books. We laugh together. We make fart jokes together. I kiss his soft, round cheeks as many times as I can before he tells me to stop. Sometimes he just wants to be in the same room as me, even if we're doing different things, and I love that. I love his closeness.


So yeah, being a mom is hard work and terrible on my health. It is a tremendous sacrifice and I miss having time for myself to read, write, create, be alone when I pee, shower, or sleep. However, I know that these two incredible people are tremendous gifts in my life and that all the sacrifice is worth it.

Sadness

Some of my work-people call me Sarah-Sunshine. I have embraced the name because it's fitting. I usually bring a pretty sunny attitude everywhere I go. However, sometimes I have a sassy attitude, and that's fine.

I also think you should know that even Sarah-Sunshine gets the blues.
It's true. A few clouds here or there pile upon me and before I know it, I'm feeling sad.
Public Service Announcement: It is totally okay to be sad sometimes.

Did you read my last post? There are cruelties in the world that are unjustified. There are kids with the same genetic/idiopathic disease as my daughter who are financially discriminated against by insurance companies and drug manufacturers simply because their parents don't have jobs that provide private health insurance. It's crap and it makes me angry, but mostly it makes me sad.

The governments of the world refuse to work together, the world is being polluted by people who are in denial, and the education of our children is going to pot. It's crap and it makes me angry, but mostly it makes me sad.

Did you know that one of my close friends from high school died by suicide before she was twenty years old? Her birthday was this week. She would have turned 34, but she didn't because mental illness and drug abuse told her she wasn't good enough for this life and she left it too soon. It's crap. It makes me angry, but mostly it makes me sad.

Do you know that I have a big brother? He is two years and ten months older than me. I adored him and idolized him when we were growing up. I listened to his music (because he played it to loudly), had crushes on his friends, and copied his style of dress when I could (flannels, flannels, baggy jean, and more flannels). It is his birthday today. I won't see him. I won't hear from him. I can't call him or hug him or sing to him. My parents can't either. Can you imagine being a mother and not being able to embrace your baby boy on his birthday?!?!? I can. I can and it breaks my heart. (I'm here for you, Mommy.)
Mental illness and too many challenges within the family have made him seek isolation from us. I understand his reasoning, but not entirely, because it's downright impossible for a person like me to ever really comprehend a person like him. With his twisted, beautiful, brilliant mind that is so up and down and every direction at once, I can't keep up. But I miss him. I miss him and I wish him a happy birthday. It's crap that I can't tell him in person. It makes me angry, but mostly...
It makes me sad. 

The last time I saw you. 2/2012. xoxoxo and Happy Birthday.

Naiveté

Can you recall an experience that shattered your perspective or opened your eyes and totally rocked your world?

I can.
In fact, I can think of several. 

One of the first really eye-opening, paradigm-shifting moments of my adult life happened my freshman year of college during an honors medical ethics discussion class. (Did I say "honors?" Yes I did, and yes, I am tooting my own horn.)  One of the subjects up for discussion was health insurance. As a privileged, upper-middle class, white, healthy, American 19 year old kid who grew up having spectacular private health insurance through my parents' jobs, I thought that health insurance existed to help everybody. My dad's insurance was billed first, my mom's picked up the balance, and I left my doctor and dental appointments without paying a cent. 

I can remember the room where the class was held. I remember sitting with peers and probably a professor as we explored this topic... and my brain exploded. Insurance companies can deny covering a necessary medication that a doctor has prescribed?!? Insurance companies can deny coverage to a person based on pre-existing conditions? INSURANCE COMPANIES ARE FOR-PROFIT ENTITIES GOUGING PEOPLE FINANCIALLY AND SOMETIMES ROBBING THEM OF THEIR HEALTH? Whyyyyyyyy???!?!!? 

I'm still a privileged, white, mostly healthy, American kid (ha!) with spectacular private health insurance, but I am no longer blind to the fact that insurance is designed to help those of us who are privileged and that it screws over those of us who are not.
It makes me sad* and I don't know how to fix it. 

Another eye-opening experience happened when I was learning how to be a teacher. There's a saying amongst educators that I have heard many times, and have repeated many times since. "Fair doesn't mean equal." Think about that for a minute. If kindergarten student #1 is an awesome reader, and kindergarten student #2 is struggling to sound out letters, should I make them both read the same exact book? No. That's ridiculous. I want their learning experience to be fair, I want to challenge each child appropriately, so I would have them read books at their appropriate, yet different, reading levels. That is fair. Equality for equality's sake is not always the best solution. Mind blown. Cramming people into identical boxes is a bad idea. Who knew?

Remember when we were kids and the grown-ups taught us to share with other children? Also, we sang a song with the lyrics "Co-op-er-ation is the answer! Cooperation! We're working together." We learned that bullies are mean because they have issues and that we should stand up to them, tell on them, and stop the abuse. We learned communication skills that included "I statements," listening, and problem solving.  It was my understanding that these skills were possessed by all adults, particularly by those who ruled the world and controlled my life, and that we should all be striving to be cooperative, kind, open communicators.
Now join me in the present, if you would...
The two-party political system of the United States of America is totally crazy-pants because they apparently didn't embrace these lessons I learned as a kid! Adults from two separate sides actively work for their own agendas while poo-pooing on the other side's ideas. Really? REALLY? "Cooperation is the answer! Cooperation, we're working together!" Didn't these people ever hear this song??!?! Don't they know that the majority of their constituents will benefit when they work together. WHY THE HELL DO WE ONLY HAVE TWO POLITICAL PARTIES in this country when everyone knows there are more than two sides to a story?!?  
The fact that the government can't actually work for the greater good of humanity makes me sad* and I don't know how to fix it.

So, my friend, what about you? What have you noticed as you have grown as a person? What has blown your mind and opened your eyes? Share your stories with me, please. I'd love to know.

Meanwhile, I'll be here, paying less for outrageously expensive "specialty medication" for my daughter because of my private insurance and drug-manufacturer payment assistance program (not available for non-privately insured patients), while trying to convince my employer that fair doesn't always mean equal, while I shake my fist at the members of my government who seem to have the mental development of toddlers.

Ugh.






*Observation: When crappy topics like those mentioned above pop up on my Facebook newsfeed, my reaction is almost always a sad face and almost never an angry face. I don't know why I default to sadness over anger, but I do. 

The Books of 2017!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! 

2017 was a great year for reading! I consumed a total of 35 books, six of which were audio books. That's a record for me since I started keeping track in 2010. I'm pretty pleased about it.

I still participate in a monthly book group, which I love because my friends introduce me to books I might never read without the group. This year I started using the Goodreads app to log my reading, which has been fun, but I still write down my books in a journal. Goodreads also allows me to see what other people are reading, so I have discovered many new books on that app, too.

Here they are, my books of 2017!!!!

The Selection 
The Elite
The One
Happily Ever After
The Heir
The Crown  -all by Kiera Cass  (If you want quick reads with only moderately frustrating characters, these books are fun.)
This Is Not the Life I Ordered - Stephens, Speire, Risley, Yanehiro (I don't love self-help books)
The Sound of Gravel -Ruth Wariner (Wow. The experience of a girl raised in a polygamous Mormon group in Mexico. Heartbreaking.)
A Tree Grows In Brooklyn -Betty Smith (Loved)
The Orphan Keeper -Camron Wright (Really good)
The Girls -Lori Lansens (A good read)
Heartless -Marissa Meyer (SO VERY GOOD)
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets -JK Rowling
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban -JK Rowling (I'm still reading the Harry Potter series, one chapter a week, along with the podcast "Harry Potter and the Sacred Text" and loving it.)
Salt to the Sea -Ruta Sepetys *audio book* (I loved it.)
Dewey: The Small-Town Library Cat Who Touched the World -Vicky Myron (Super Cute true story!)
The Martian -Andy Weir (LOVED it.)
The Secret Life of Bees -Sue Monk Kidd (A wonderful book. I want to read more by this author.)
Legion #2: Skin Deep -Brandon Sanderson (Such a fun book. I need to read more by Sanderson!)
The Handmaid's Tale -Margaret Atwood (Wow and yuck. A powerful read.)
Animal Farm -George Orwell (My first time reading it. I found it to be disturbing and interesting.)
Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them -JK Rowling as Newt Scamander  (Adorable!)
The Color of Fire -Ann Rinaldi (I remember reading other historical fiction novels by her as a kid, and I will definitely seek out more. I like her storytelling, and I like quickly-read young-adult books.)
1984 -George Orwell *audio book* (I tried reading this before but couldn't get going. It was easier in audio format. A good book.)
Wool -Hugh Howey (Yes, please. I'm going to have to read everything by this author.)
Shift -Hugh Howey (Ditto)
Dear John -Nicholas Sparks (This author has a format to his books and he's a best-seller, but he's not my favorite.)
After The Storm, Kate Burkholder #7 -Linda Castillo (A fun action/mystery novel. Though I liked it, I probably won't read any others in the series.)
The Girl On The Train -Paula Hawkind *audio book* (I really liked it.)
The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo -Stieglarsson *audio book* (I REALLY liked this. I plan to read the others in the series written by the original author.)
Murder on the Orient Express -Agatha Christie *audio book* (My first Agatha Christie book. It was fun, but full of SO MUCH racial profiling, it was a bit distracting.)
Harry Potter and the Cursed Child -Rowling, Tiffany, and Thorne (A fun read.)
Selected Poetry by Lewis Carol -Carol *audio book* (Very enjoyable! There were some good ones I'd never heard before.)
Celebrations: Rituals of Peace & Prayer -Maya Angelou (Powerful, inspiring poetry.)
Gift from the Sea -Anne Morrow Lindbergh (It took me a little bit to get into it, but then I was hooked. So many good reminders of how to bring peace into my life.)

A couple discoveries I've made about audio books: I love listening to British novels read by British actors. Also, books with multiple narrators that have different actors reading for each voice in the book (Salt to the Sea, The Girl on the Train) are SO ENJOYABLE.

2018 is off to a good start! I am partway through Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, and just started Dust by Hugh Howey

365 fresh days ahead! (Well, more accurately, it's about 364.29 fresh days ahead, but who's counting?)
What books are on your "To Read" list for 2018???