Another Year Older

November is my favorite month. 

November is when it finally starts to feel like Autumn (My favorite!) around here, even though the season started a month and a half ago. November also means it's almost Thanksgiving time, and while it is a holiday with a complicated history, it is linked in my mind with fond memories, family gatherings, and lots of delicious food. The most important reason why November is my favorite is because it's my birth month. 

I have always loved my birthday. Growing up in a privileged white collar home with loving parents meant that I received presents each year, celebrated with extended family, or had parties with my friends each time my birthday rolled around. I can remember my Uncle Kevin —whose birthday was near mine, so we all celebrated together— sticking his finger in our shared cake because he thought it was funny. (If I recall correctly, I found this desecration of our birthday cake to be more rude than funny because I am a certified Party-Pooper.) I can remember a birthday party at a rollerskating rink with my friends. I also remember sitting in the trunk of our brown Toyota Tercel wagon on the drive home from the skating rink because all of my friends were in actual seats with seatbelts. The highlight of that drive was popping my head up to make faces out the rear window at people in other cars on the road. My childhood was pretty great. 

As an adult, I continue to love my birthday. I quietly count down to it each year in the back of my mind. (I obnoxiously count down aloud to my family and friends.) I love my birthday as a grown up because it serves as a little milestone for me each year. It's a day to reflect on how far I've come, where I am, and where I hope to go in my life. I love getting cards from family and friends. I love all of the happy birthday wishes that pop up on my social media feeds. Each little note prompts me to pause and reflect on my connection with the well-wisher, our shared history, and fun memories. Those moments of remembering friendships help me to know how very fortunate I am. 

I love my yellow-brown Topaz birthstone. I love being a Scorpio while simultaneously believing that astrology is 95% nonsense. I love that my birthday happens at the time of year when leaves are falling from the trees, shadows are growing longer, the air is getting crisper, and sweaters and scarves are coming out of people's closets. It's a beautiful season. 

This birthday was a good one. I made a new year (because my birthday is the start of my new year... get it?!?) resolution to practice being in the present more. I'm hoping to achieve this greater state of mindfulness by carving out a little more unstructured time for myself *gasp* to do what I want and to do it with intention. We're one week in and so far it's working out great. Last week I used my sacred time to read. This week the dog and I took a long walk in nature. Next week anything is possible. 

Happy November, my friends.

Yesterday Was Mother's Day

Ah Motherhood.

I've been pondering my journey down this path to Mom-Life. Come along with me...

When I was a teenager I decided that if I were to get pregnant in high school or college I would get an abortion. I had too many aspirations, too much to do. I wasn't ready for a kid and I knew it. I wanted kids, one day, but I wanted a doctorate in veterinary medicine first. My plan was in place. School and career first, marriage and kids later.

In college I joined a pretty fundamentalist religion and I made some big life choices around the concept of my future family and kids. Veterinary school seemed like a lot of work, a lot of debt, and I didn't see how I would healthily balance a career as a vet with all of the family responsibility that comes with motherhood. So I took a step back from my childhood aspirations and became rather gloomy while I thought up a backup plan, because I am Type A and I NEED a plan. Always. 

(I wish I had felt less desperate to push forward and progress toward my career, marriage, and kids. I wish I had taken a year off to travel or explore different fields. Alas, my drive and my Mormon beliefs kept me away from a bohemian adventure and I marched forward with my need to check items off my lifetime to-do list.)

My backup plan was a teaching credential. Teaching seemed like an ideal career because I could eventually work in the same school district that my kids attended so we would have the same schedules - My life and career would be perfectly set up to revolve around my kids. And so I began the process of becoming a teacher. While I preferred the idea of a single subject credential so I could teach high school science, my college of choice didn't offer that program right away. I COULDN'T possibly wait twelve months to pursue the science teaching credential, so I jumped into an elementary credential program that began sooner. I enjoyed the program, I made friends and learned bunches, and landed a teaching job just a couple months after graduating. 

I also met my now-husband during that time. We were dating. I was thinking about marriage and kids.

I taught elementary school for a few years. I loved the experience, I loved my students, I loved my coworkers. The job was time-consuming, challenging, emotionally exhausting, yet rewarding. I got married during that time. A couple of years after that, I was pregnant with my first kid. I reached out to the district superintendent and asked if I could work part-time in a job-share the following school year because I loved my job and wanted to keep it, but I also knew that I would want more time at home with my child. The day I came home from the hospital with my newborn daughter, I checked the mail and found out that my request for part-time teaching was denied. I decided right then and there that I would quit teaching and stay home with my kid. 

And I did. 

Writing this out, I am startled to realize that I started sacrificing my career plan and my individual identity to my children BEFORE they were born, BEFORE I HAD EVEN MET THEIR FATHER. I was carving off pieces of Sarah to make room for kids, to shape me into "Mom" well before I had a grasp on what that would mean. What the hell was I thinking? Who the hell am *I* after shaving off so many bits of me along the way? 

Damn the LDS Church and the greater patriarchal American culture for making it so completely acceptable to me to sacrifice myself at the altar of motherhood before I was a fully formed creature. 

Thankfully, I did not entirely let go of my hold on veterinary medicine. I worked as a veterinary assistant through college, through my teacher training, and on Saturdays while I was a school teacher. I am a veterinary assistant still, today. That job never got pushed aside or cut away. That piece of me is still in tact. What a shame it pays garbage. It's one of the few thing that I know I do entirely for me. 

All this being said, I love my kids. I really do. I'm lucky to have them and grateful for them. Yet it is fascinating to take this time to step back and marvel at how many choices I have made (and will continue to make, *sigh*) in the name of their well being while burying my own along the way. 

Happy Mother's Day. 

The Books of 2020!

It's almost 2021! Finally!

I consumed at total of 67 books this year! 25 were in print or ebooks, 42 were audiobooks. Some of these were short stories, two were graphic novels, and one was a short book of poetry.

Fun fact: I have been keeping track of my reading for an entire decade now. My grand total of books read in ten years is... (Drumroll please!) ... 342!!!

My log started in a paper journal. A few years later I began this annual tradition of making a book blog post. Now, I primarily use Goodreads to log my reading as I go, though I do update my paper journal periodically throughout the year, and I can't forsake this annual post. Anyone else keep track of their reading in three logs? No? Just me?... I knew I was a weirdo. That being said, if we're not friends on Goodreads and you'd like to be, let's find each other. 

2020 shall be remembered as the year my ten-year-old daughter and I read several of the same books - I'm looking forward to many more years of that happy situation! This year I realized that Steve West is one of my favorite audiobook readers, not only because he has a dreamy voice, but he sure does have a dreamy voice. It is also the year I discovered several new series, including Arc of a Scythe (loved!), The Wayward Children (excellent!), An Ember in the Ashes (Love!), and The Throne of Glass (Like/and find it annoying!). It is another year during which I reinforced my love of Brandon Sanderson's writing. 

Behold, the books of 2020 in the order they were devoured!(Asterisks denote my most loved/highly recommended books.)

1. The Recovering: Intoxication and Its Aftermath -Leslie Jamison (audio)

2. *Starsight (Skyward #2)-Brandon Sanderson 

3. Brain on Fire: My Month of Madness -Susannah Cahalan (audio)

4. They Called Us Enemy -George Takei, Justin Eisinger, Steven Scott

5. The Call of the Wild -Jack London (audio)

6. You Have Arrived at Your Destination -Amar Towles (audio)

7. *Scythe (Arc of a Scythe #1) -Neal Shusterman

8. *A Gentleman in Moscow -Amor Towles

9. Randomize -Andy Weir (audio)

10. The End and Other Beginnings: Stories from the Future -Veronica Roth

11. A Heart So Fierce and Broken (Cursebreaker #2) -Brigid Kemmerer

12. Children of Virtue and Vengeance (Legacy of Orisha #2) -Tomi Adeyami (audio)

13. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince (#6) -J.K. Rowling

14. *Warbreaker -Brandon Sanderson (audio) 

15. *Thunderhead (Arc of a Scythe #2) -Neal Shusterman

16. *Know My Name -Chanel Miller (audio)

17. Supernova (Renegades #2) -Marissa Meyer (audio)

18. Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone (#1) -J.K. Rowling (audio) 

19. In Pieces -Sally Field (audio)

20. *The Toll (Arc of a Scythe #3) -Neal Shusterman

21. *Smoke and Mirrors -Neil Gaiman (audio)

22. Northanger Abbey -Jane Austen (audio)

23. M is for Magic -Neil Gaiman (audio)

24. The Assassin's Blade (Throne of Glass #0.1-0.5) -Sarah J. Maas

25. Jane Austen BBC Collection -Jane Austen (audio)

26. The Fountains of Silence -Ruta Sepetys (audio)

27. Throne of Glass (#1) -Sarah J. Maas

28. *Aurora Burning (The Aurora Cycle #2) -Amie Kaufman (audio)

29. Where the Crawdads Sing -Delia Owens (audio)

30. Summer Frost -Blake Crouch (audio)

31. Atlantia -Ally Condie 

32. Chosen Ones -Veronica Roth

33. *All the Light We Cannot See -Anthony Doerr (audio)

34. Me and White Supremacy: Combat Racism, Change the World, and Become a Good Ancestor -Layla F. Saad

35. Crown of Midnight (Throne of Glass #2) -Sarah J. Maas

36. How to Be an Antiracist -Ibram X. Kendi (audio)

37. Binti (#1) -Nnedi Okorafor (audio)

38. The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes (The Hunger Games #0) -Suzanne Collins

39. *Magic For Liars -Sarah Gailey (audio)

40. *Every Heart a Doorway (Wayward Children #1) -Seanan McGuire (audio)

41. The Last Conversation -Paul Tremblay (audio)

42. *Down Among the Sticks and Bones (Wayward Children #2) -Seanan McGuire (audio)

43. Beneath the Sugar Sky (Wayward Children #3) -Seanan McGuire (audio)

44. In an Absent Dream (Wayward Children #4) -Seanan McGuire (audio)

45. Come Tumbling Down (Wayward Children #5) -Seanan McGuire (audio)

46. Heir of Fire (Throne of Glass #3) -Sarah J. Maas

47. Hunger: A Memoir of (My) Body -Roxane Gay (audio)

48. A Blight of Blackwings (Seven Kennings #2) -Kevin Hearne (audio)

49. Stamped from the Beginning -Ibram X. Kendi 

50. Queen of Shadows (Throne of Glass #4) -Sarah J. Maas 

51. Unearthed (#1) -Amie Kaufman, Meagan Spooner (audio)

52. Undying (Unearthed #2) -Amie Kaufman, Meagan Spooner (audio)

53. City of Girls -Elizabeth Gilbert (audio)

54. *An Ember in the Ashes (#1) -Sabaa Tahir (audio)

55. *A Torch Against the Night (An Ember in the Ashes #2) -Sabaa Tahir (audio)

56. Midnight Sun (Twilight #5) -Stephanie Meyer (audio)

57. *A Reaper at the Gates (An Ember in the Ashes #3) -Sabaa Tahir (audio)

58. Empire of Storms (Throne of Glass #5) -Sarah J. Maas

59. *The Book of Longings -Sue Monk Kidd (audio)

60. Magic Lessons (Practical Magic #0.1) -Alice Hoffman (audio)

61. Home Body -Rupi Kaur

62. Dracula -Bram Stoker

63. Go With The Flow -Lily Williams

64. *Rhythm of War (The Stormlight Archive #4) -Brandon Sanderson (audio)

65. Tower of Dawn (Throne of Glass #6) -Sarah J. Maas

66. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (#7) -J.K. Rowling

67. Reverie -Ryan La Sala (audio)

Please let me know what books you loved and hated this year, and what you're looking forward to reading next! 

I'll be ringing in the new year with this read.

Goodbye 2020! Thank Goodness for my library and all of the books that kept my mind occupied during such a strange year!