No No November

There are only four days left in my favorite month. November really flew by in a blur.

First, some good parts: 

The kids and I attended a Dia de los Muertos celebration at our local library. I went to book group with friends. I celebrated my birthday and my friends made me feel special. I bought myself a boxed set of Jane Austen novels with birthday money from my extended family. I went to the movie theater to watch The Ballad of Songbird and Snakes with another mom and a bunch of middle schoolers. We had a lovely Thanksgiving at home with family and good food. Yesterday we celebrated friends at fun birthday parties.

Before the bad parts, let me introduce myself:

Hi, my name is Sarah and I care a lot. I think that's why I have built the life I live. I am primarily a parent, the organizer of and caregiver within my home. My career in veterinary medicine has always been about caring for others. My brief detour as an elementary school educator was also rooted in my desire to care for others and help them grow. 

Caring a lot is what I do. Also, I worry. 

I'm really skilled at waking up in the middle of the night and thinking about what will happen in the future. I can stay awake in the wee hours planning what I will do to make a scenario run smoothly the next day. Sometimes I can't plan my way around a situation, so I just imagine all of the possible outcomes and get nauseous. 

So, you can probably imagine how I was doing when October ended with a family member in the hospital. He was quickly diagnosed with several health issues, including a cancer called Multiple Myeloma. He's doing okay and is home now, but he is weak, fatigued, and well... fighting cancer. Thankfully, this particular type of cancer responds well to treatment, so hopefully it goes away fast. He lives around the corner from us, so my husband and I have been walking over there daily to visit him and offer any help we can. Also, because I'm a medical professional who is very skilled at caring and worrying, I really want to get involved in any way I can to make his medical experience less stressful and more successful. I'm helping him stay organized, I'm explaining things when his care teams fall short, and I'm giving lots of hugs. And sometimes, afterwards, I go home and cry. 

Next up in Bad News November, my dog has cancer. It's lymphoma. It can go into remission with treatment, but it always comes back. It kills dogs quickly. Thankfully, Myrtle feels well, is still extremely happy, pain free, and doing really well on steroids. However, we likely only have a couple of months together. We could have chosen to treat with chemo to buy an extra year or so of time, but that won't work very well for our lives right now. So, sometimes I lie awake at night and become increasingly nauseous. It's okay, I guess. 

November, November. You have hurt my heart this year.