I Stand All Amazed

"Panzees Scared"

2012-02-09T14:57:00.000-08:00

Today is my wedding anniversary. Nothing says, "I love you" like waking up to find a giant vase of candy on the table. Thank you, Husband.

We're experiencing another uncommonly lovely day for February and this weather must be enjoyed. That's why the Bean and I headed to the Oakland Zoo today. An annual zoo membership was the best Mother's Day gift I've ever bought myself. Today's visit was great. I like to get there right when the zoo opens at 10 A.M. so we can make it around to almost every animal by lunch time and get into the car in time for Emma's nap. The only problem with my plan is that every other family with a toddler has the exact same plan, so the zoo is full of mommies and strollers. We fit in just fine.

When the chimps get noisy, Emma says, "Panzees scared."

Here, Kitty Kitty!

I am celebrating more than just four years of marriage today; I am also celebrating three weeks since Emma has been taking her oral anti-inflammatory only once daily instead of twice a day. The three week mark means we can stop giving it completely, since she's been doing wonderfully at the lower daily dose. Yay! One medicine down! Of course, Em's still getting the scary injectable meds once a week, but that's just how it's going to be for a while.

It's hard to see, but there is a meerkat to the right of Em on the other side of the window!

Here's the really exciting part: During our three hour adventure at the zoo today, Miss Emma walked the entire time and never asked to be picked up or ride in the stroller. That's the first time this has ever happened! Granted, she's getting older, stronger, and more stubborn, but she's also more comfortable than she's been in a long time. Thank goodness. Part of me worries that she'll be sore tomorrow. I wonder if I should have made her take a break and ride in the stroller. Part of me is grateful that she had the energy to be a crazy, little kid.

It's been a great day so far. Happy anniversary to me.

February Springtime

2012-02-08T20:11:00.000-08:00

I need to paint a quick picture so that I don't forget.

Emma, Torah, and I took a walk this afternoon with my friend and her baby. On the way home, I pushed the double-wide stroller while Emma walked along beside it. Thankfully, Torah is SO GOOD about sitting in a stroller. She enjoyed her ride, wiggling her feet and watching the world go by. The sky was a clear, bright blue. Even though it's only February and it was cool and rainy yesterday, the sun was hot and shining brightly today. Many of the trees around here have been suckered by the mild winter and are showing off their blooms that shouldn't be here until Spring.

As we walked by a group of trees full of white blossoms, Emma ran ahead of me. I watched my remarkable, little girl frolic under the blue sky and white flowers, felt the warm sun on my skin, and knew that the moment was perfect. My wee-one, with her thin blonde hair, denim overalls, and pink Converse shoes*, was the image of childhood joy.

Sometimes I complain about the little complications in life. Today's sunny moment reminded me that I have so much to be grateful for, so much to enjoy.

*The Converse are hand-me-downs. While I do appreciate the adorableness of such things, I am not one to spend money on brand names for my toddler who will only take a few minutes to outgrow said expensive purchases.

Outspoken? No, But I'll Speak Out.

2012-02-04T16:25:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I'm shy and maybe even a little insecure. I stay away from uncomfortable conversations or choose to keep my mouth shut if I don't know how my words might be received.

Other times, I'm bold and have no problem explaining how I feel. This is especially easy for me if I know that I am speaking up and sharing the general opinion of a group. I can't even remember how many times I was the spokesperson for Cohort 80 during my Teaching Credential Program. The majority of the class would be muttering the same complaint, wondering the same question, privately disagreeing with the professor in the same way, and I would be the one to speak up and voice our concerns. If so many people agree in a particular way, someone aught to explain that aloud for the other party to understand, right?

I got to use my diplomatic speaking-up skills recently.

There's a woman in the world who is trying her best to do good and raise awareness of Juvenile Arthritis. It came to my attention that many parents of children with JA do not agree with this woman's methods. As I saw the concern of these JA Moms, I couldn't sit back and observe quietly. If SO many people feel this way, why hasn't anyone told her? Surely she'd listen to the voices of the people for whom she is advocating.

So, I spoke up and wrote my spiel. It was quite lovely. You can read it if you'd like:

I'm grateful that you are taking an interest in raising awareness about JA, but I have to ask you something about a tweet you posted earlier today... Why are you unwilling to show the nasty side of this disease?
It seems like a bit of a disservice to these children to only show the public the smiling, happy moments of their painful lives. Raising awareness of a disease means educating the public about the good and the bad. That includes the swollen joints, the difficult treatment, the trials of daily life, the sickness, hospital visits, drugs, pain and tears. Without the unpleasant treatments and medications, our kids wouldn't be able to smile and put on happy faces for the photos posted on this page or shown on t.v.
I know that you suffered a lot in secret before your RA was controlled, but you've stated that you want to be open about arthritis now. Please consider the fact that hiding the ugly side of JA from the public is hiding the reality of JA. Putting a pretty face to JA masks the truth that JA is NOT a pretty disease.
To really help these children, please consider showing the public what JA truly looks like. Do something selfless and use the proceeds of your book sales to donate to research and fight this disease. Stand up for these kids by helping the public see that they are NOT like regular children, but that they long to be.

(She responded and I responded right back. My words are below.)

Thanks for explaining it a little bit more. I really do appreciate all the awareness that you are raising for these children. I know that it is making some difference, and that is wonderful, but I fear that it is an uneducated awareness that the public will gain.
You know a lot more about the media than I do, so I appreciate your input on the matter. However, I notice that the media shows child cancer patients without hair. Children with MS are shown in wheelchairs. These images create a feeling of sympathy in others while showing the truth behind the diseases. I don't see why that wouldn't work for JA as well.
I agree with you that we absolutely need to have a positive, hopeful attitude, but that doesn't mean that the difficulties need to be hidden. It's my opinion that adversity makes the bright points brighter.

I think that turned out rather nicely, not catty or mean. Well, the lady didn't like it. She thought it was all rather negative and upsetting. She would prefer to show only the happy, smiling faces of children with JA. Okay. That is her choice and she is welcome to do it, but I hope she knows that she is doing so without the support of many JA Parents who want the reality of this disease to be known.

What good does it do to bring awareness of a disease if that awareness does not educate and inform the public?

First real haircut!

Here's my daughter looking cute. Lots of kids are cute though, but not lots of kids have autoimmune arthritis. This picture doesn't raise much awareness of the disease she fights.

Look at the one below. This is Juvenile Arthritis, diaper and all. I don't have any video of how she limped while her joints were this swollen, nor do I have video of how she cried in the mornings and leaned against the wall for support to stand. I wish I did.

Look at that knee at the onset of her JA.

Vitamins, Iron, Naproxen, Ranitidine, and Methotrexate

These are her meds before starting her second injectable drug. I don't have any photos of her actually getting her injections because the process requires all of the people in my household and leaves no one to take pictures.

If you'd like to learn more autoimmune arthritis, search for blogs of other JA families. Go check out IAAM or the Arthritis Foundation. Want to show some support for my family, help us as we participate in the Arthritis Walk this Spring. Join Team Emma or make a donation.

Pretty pictures aren't really helping anyone learn anything.

Okay, I'm getting off my soapbox now.

Growing a Family

2012-02-01T14:41:00.000-08:00

Meet Baby #2. Isn't s/he a charmer?

Feb 1st - 13 weeks along

Emma was my Bean from the very beginning, but I'm not sure what to call this one. According to my weekly Baby Center email, the wee one is currently the length of a medium sized shrimp. I know it's not exactly endearing, but it isn't inaccurate either, so the baby will be referred to as "Shrimpy" for the remainder of this post.

I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of December and actually managed to keep it a secret until Christmas. Well, mostly a secret. For safety reasons, I have to let all of my coworkers and bosses know I'm pregnant right away so no one asks me to take X-rays or help with chemo treatments, so I got to share the news with the Vet Ladies. Having some friends to talk to about made it a lot easier to keep such important news from my mother.

I think she's excited.

My parents and Barry's dad found out as part of their Christmas presents. Emma was wearing this shirt on Christmas day. Grammie unzipped Em's sweatshirt for me, saw what Emma was wearing, and proceeded to scream and squeal in my daughter's face. Poor Emma had no idea what was going on and started to cry. It was priceless.

I am extremely grateful that this pregnancy has been smooth sailing, just like the first one. I've been nauseous but haven't vomited at all, aside from that quick stomach flu a few weeks ago, but that doesn't count. I am very tired. No. That's not the right word. Exhausted is a much more accurate description. Not only am I hosting a parasitic, super fast growing human in my uterus, I am also chasing around at least one small child all day. It wears on a girl. As the first trimester is finishing up, I'm starting to feel a little of my energy coming back, but I'm fairly certain that I still look like a zombie most of the time.

The main difference between pregnancies is that I don't get to sit around and think about this one. Poor Shrimpy only gets my thoughts a few times a day, especially when Emma come and asks to "see" the baby and softly rubs my tummy to say hello. (Sweetest thing, ever.) I also ponder my pregnancy each night as I lie in bed and have some quiet time to myself. Otherwise, my attention is usually on my wild and crazy almost two year old, or I'm zoning out with a good book. By this point of my first pregnancy we had already picked out a boy and girl name, so we were ready. Now, with Shrimpy, we've agreed on a potential middle name for a boy, and that's it. It's weird how life changes.

I'm very excited for this baby. I am happy that Emma will have a little brother or sister to play with and grow up loving. I'm looking forward to feeling Shrimpy move, getting a big, fat belly, and experiencing all of the changes of pregnancy. I am especially excited to watch our family grow and adjust as we add another child to the madness of it all.

I'll be sure to keep you updated.

(Oh. Maybe I should mention. The kiddo is due in early August.)

Another Visit to the Doctor

2012-01-19T14:58:00.000-08:00

If I don't change my ways soon, all of the doctors we see are going to think I only have one shirt. This shirt:

I'm so suave.

It's easily my favorite shirt. It's the perfect lightweight combination of polyester and cotton. It's soft, loose, comfortable, and I love it. Plus, when I bought it in college it was on clearance because of some mysterious stain that I didn't find that day or any day since. I'm not sure why, but at some point it became my lucky shirt. I've always gravitated to lucky charms, including the cereal. Now, instead of carrying some talisman around in my pocket, I wear my lucky shirt to doctors' appointments. It keeps the bad news away. Call me superstitious if you want to, that's fine. So far, my shirt seems to be working fairly well.

We had a short visit with the rheumatologist today. Emma is looking and feeling fine. Her joints are greatly improved, though her ankle and knee are still a little thickened and her fingers are plain out fat. Her range of motion is magnificent and she is in no obvious pain, so her doctor is happy. So happy, in fact, that we're going to try reducing her naproxen (an NSAID also known as Aleve) to just once a day. If she is still doing fine, then we'll stop it completely and only give it as needed. Wouldn't that be AWESOME!?!?! No daily oral meds, just injections once a week!?! I'm praying that she does well so we can get her off of at least one medication.

On the way home I wanted to stop at the Oakland Temple. I asked Emma and she also wanted to go. She said something like, "YeaaH! Temple. Jesus lives temple." Melts a mommy's heart.

So we went. It's closed right now for maintenance and we got to see a novel sight. There were several people cleaning the face of the building, and one of these people got to climb up the wall to get the job done. After snapping a few pictures, we went into the Visitors' Center, to walk around and look at the artwork. It was a nice, peaceful way to end our adventures in Oakland today.

Looks like an exciting job.

Now I'm waiting for the singing to stop in Emma's room so I know that she's asleep. Maybe I'll nap too. Maybe I'll go sit on the couch and read.

I hope the rest of you get some good news this week and take a few minutes to stop and visit a place you love.

I love that silly smile.

AH! She's almost TWO!

2012-01-11T22:04:00.000-08:00

Today Emma is 23 months old. Or in real language: Emma will be two years old next month!


Little Miss Tink.

In case anyone forgot, my daughter is incredible. She is stubborn and knows what she wants. One of her favorite sentences is, "My have it." (Which can be used as a statement or a question.) It is difficult to resist her requests when she adds on her sweet little, "Peeease."

She has recently developed a tenderness that I adore. At least once a day she leans in close for a snuggle and says, "I dove you, Mommy." It might not look like much in print, but when her sweet little toddler voice tells me she loves me, completely unsolicited, my heart melts. She periodically says, "I hug you, Mommy." which means I had best stop what I'm doing and hug my little girl.

She continues to do very well physically. We go to physical therapy tomorrow and the rheumatologist next week, so it will be nice to get that confirmation from the professionals soon. Nothing like knowing there is something "wrong" with one's child to always keep a parent worrying. Emotionally, I know her arthritis will make her a strong, compassionate little girl. Right now, though, she doesn't understand all of the medical treatments and has been a HUGE fighter during her weekly shots. Poor little monkey.

I see no signs of the alleged 2-year-old molars and secretly hope they don't exist.

We are not really potty training the kid yet, but she sits on the toilet several times a day. Usually she asks to go after a dirty diaper. I'm not really sure what the point is to that, but I play along. I'm not really interested in pushing the issue and figure that when she's ready to really make the switch, she'll do it. Today she tinkled in the toilet three times, which is definitely a record for her. We always smile really big, happy smiles at each other when she goes in the potty, I high-five her and tell her I'm proud of her, then life moves on. We'll see how it goes.

I need to plan her birthday party. We'll definitely have one, I just need the details of timing, theme, food, um... all of the details. Maybe I should start working on that.

Best Buddies!

The Year in (Book) Review(s)

2012-01-04T17:01:00.000-08:00

2011 was a year of ups and downs, that's for sure.
I'm always going to remember it as the year that I learned about Juvenile Arthritis the hard way. It was also the year that Barry worked the least so far in our marriage, but we still survived. I made many new friends, read lots of books, started babysitting, and overall, had a pretty good year.

Let's talk about the books, shall we? (I'm not actually going to review them, that would take too long.) In 2011 I joined a book club for the first time in my life. I almost joined three, but quickly realized that was impossible. I love my (one) book group. Not only am I being introduced to new books, I've made new relationships with women I admire. It's awesome.

I'm really glad that I've found time to read. Once I got a hang of the whole parenting gig, I discovered that I could sneak in a few minutes with a book each day. It became really easy once Emma started napping long enough for me to finish a few chapters. Ah, the life of a mostly-stay-at-home-mom.

Here are the books I read in 2011. The ones with * are from the book club, the rest are just me. I liked them all and would recommend any of these if you're looking for something to read.

Scapegoat - Daphne Du Maurier*
Hunger Games -Suzanne Collins (Probably my favorite series. I'm so excited for the movie to come out in a few months!!!)
Catching Fire - Suzanne Collins
Mocking Jay - Suzanne Collins
I Am Nujood; Age 10 and Divorced - Nujood Ali with Delphine Minoui*
Magic Hour - Kristin Hannah* (A new favorite author, her characters always appeal to me and her stories are great. They get me hooked and teary-eyed every time.)
Water for Elephants - Sara Gruen
Austenland - Shannon Hale (A really fun read.)
Winter Garden - Kristin Hannah
Child of the Jungle - Sabine Kuegler*
The Checklist Manifesto - Atul Gawande
Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
Persuasion - Jane Austen
Lady Susan - Jane Austen
Outliers - Malcolm Gladwell*
True Colors - Kristin Hannah
The Eyre Affair - Jasper Fforde* (My pick. This is a fun series that my brother introduced to me a while ago.)
Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
Heaven is for Real - Todd Burpo with Lynn Vincent
Lone Survivor - Marcus Luttrell*
Unlocked - Karen Kingsbury*
Wish You Well - David Baldacci*
Night Road - Kristin Hannah
Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams*
Restaurant at the End of the Universe - Douglas Adams
Life, The Universe, and Everything - Douglas Adams
So Long and Thanks for All the Fish - Douglas Adams
Mostly Harmless - Douglas Adams
The Story of the Other Wiseman - Henry Van Dyke*
Take Me Home From the Oscars - Christine Schwab (This was very interesting because it gave me a peek into a life of fashion and television, but it also gave me valuable insight regarding Rheumatoid Arthritis and what it can be like to live with this frustrating disease.)

Thirty books in 365 days? Not too shabby. That's not even counting the books I read to Emma!

I hope 2012 brings you lots of literary joy!

Christmas Fun

2011-12-30T20:24:00.000-08:00

The holidays this year have been great. Emma actually understands what presents are and the joy of opening them to find something exciting inside. She quickly learned that any hard-to-open packages should be taken directly to Daddy after unwrapping, since he's the one with the handy pocket knife.

We drove around to look at Christmas lights on several occasions and Em always enjoyed the experience. She recognizes Santa and Baby Jesus and loves to point them out to us. She likes Christmas songs and the classic animated movies. She now knows about snowmen, reindeer, and Santa. It is adorable and so much fun.

Barry's sister gave Emma a doll and stroller. Emma is in love. She plays with that doll more than any other toy now, and she insists on sleeping with her during naps and at night.

This time of year I am especially grateful that we have family so near. I am also extremely thankful to have gained so many kind family members through marriage. My last grandparent, my Grandpa who is one of my favorite people in the universe, passed away shortly after I got married. Now, through my husband, I have loving grandparents again and it is wonderful. Christmas wouldn't be quite the same without grandparents.

I hope all of your holiday celebrations have been full of family, friends, laughter and love. I also hope that 2012 brings you health, peace, and joy. There are so many things lying ahead.

Doing Things the Long Way

2011-12-14T08:59:00.000-08:00

When I was pregnant with Emma I didn't realize there were so many parenting styles out there. Apparently you can be Crunchy or Silky, you can follow Ferber or Sears, believe in crying-it-out or attachment parenting. There are the options to breastfeed or feed formula, or heck, pump and bottle feed breast milk. There are decisions about where the baby sleeps: your bed, a bassinet in your room, a crib in their own room. The lists go on and on and on. All of the little choices one makes add together and, for some people, place one into made up categories of motherhood.

I never got into all of that.
I decided to breastfeed because I figure God gave me breasts for that reason. I chose to follow my instinct in most other areas. Emma has been sleeping in her own room since she was six weeks old because I couldn't sleep when she was in a cradle in my room. We've done our own thing and not worried about the classifications out there.

At some point I saw a video online that showed the benefits of rear-facing car seats for toddlers. That's when I decided to categorize myself as a believer in extended rear-facing. I was hoping to keep the Bean facing backwards until February when she turns two, but I had Barry turn her seat around last week. I would have held out longer if it weren't for her darn arthritis. Now that she is bigger, she can't stretch out and change leg positions when rear-facing. I don't normally worry about it, but we spent four hours in the car last weekend and I didn't want her joints to get stiff. So, the kid is facing forward and I feel like she grew up suddenly.

The other category I have found myself in is that of extended breastfeeding. It's not something I planned to do ahead of time, it has just worked out this way. I learned about the option of child-led weaning and thought that sounded like a good idea and decided to give it a try. So, Emma nurses once each night and she is 22 months old. We'll stop when we stop, I'm not worried about it. I'm also not super passionate about it, so you don't have to worry about me marching around holding up a sign to advocate extended breastfeeding.

If you know me well, you know that I'm a bit of a nervous, easily stressed out spaz when it comes to some things in life. However, when it comes to parenting choices I'm finding myself to be pretty neutral. Do what works for you, and let others do what works for them.

Amazing.

2011-12-01T14:52:00.000-08:00

My blog's title is so appropriate. Not only did it become one of my favorite hymns, (Listen here!) but it really captures my sentiments most of the time. I look around at the events unfolding in my life and I am completely awed and amazed. So, this specific entry's title may be a little redundant, considering the big title across the top of the page, but amazing is how I feel at the moment, so the title is staying.

Since having a child I've noticed that people love to talk about how quickly time passes. Strangers at the store comment on how cute Emma is, then proceed to tell me that their youngest is in college now, or their oldest just started middle school, and how quickly it all goes. I can appreciate that, and I love that my Bean helps parents to pause and reflect on the growth of their own children.

Watching Emma grow up is exciting. It's amazing, really. I've always been more of a fan of children than infants, so I'm enjoying the fact that she is becoming more and more of a little girl and less of a helpless baby. Take a look at the two pictures below.

Dec. 2010

Nov. 2011

Last year we were sticking her in containers and being silly. She could only crawl and wasn't able to get in there on her own. Now, I leave her alone for five minutes and come back to find her being silly all by herself, because she can. It's liberating.

Another reason why I'm so full of amazement today is that my daughter is so strong and brave. Since her diagnosis of JRA six months ago, Emma has endured many very stressful experiences including two X-rays, at least six blood draws, a TB test, daily oral medications, and weekly injections. These are things that adults don't like to deal with and she is not even two years old. All of it was very hard at first, very overwhelming, but my kid is resilient. She has become so tough, and during today's blood draw she didn't even cry. Not a whimper.

I am amazed to see her blood results show her incredible response to treatment. One test called ESR, which measures inflammations, has a normal range of 0 - 20 mm/hr for someone Emma's age. Six months ago her ESR was 87 mm/hr. Today it is 9 mm/hr. Normal. I want to shout it from the rooftops!

I am so thankful that the inflammation in her body is decreasing. I am so grateful that my girl is responding to treatment. I am so grateful that these medications exist, that they have been tested and approved for use in children. That is why we're participating in the Jingle Bell Run/Walk next weekend. The money raised goes to develop and test medications to treat arthritis, so people like Emma can regain a little bit of normalcy in their lives.

Walk with us. Join Team Emma or make a donation, please.

So Very Thankful

2011-11-27T22:19:00.000-08:00

It has been a long, lovely week.

One of the benefits of being married is getting to celebrate each holiday at least twice. This year did not disappoint. We were fortunate enough to eat all the glorious deliciousness of Thanksgiving on Thursday with my parents, aunt, uncle, father-in-law, and sister-in-law. Two days later, we did it all again, with Barry's mom, brothers, and sisters. I hope we get a double dose of Christmas as well.

While vegetating after dinner at my parents' house, I made Barry climb into the attic with me and grab a couple of my old toys so that I can clean them up and give them to Emma as Christmas gifts. She'll be getting some lightly used My Little Ponies, a chair for her dolls, and a beautiful toy cradle that my Grandpa made for me as a Christmas gift when I was two years old. I'm excited to be able to share my cherished toys with my girl.

Here is one such toy.

I never played with this car; it was given to me as a gift in high school, long past my Barbie days. I had a collection of little, yellow VW Beetles and one of my most excellent friends decided this would be the perfect addition to that collection. It's been collecting dust for about a decade now, but Emma sure loved pushing it all over Grammie's house.

In unrelated news, I gave Emma both of her injections this afternoon all by myself. I couldn't have done it without the help of her high chair restraints and distracting videos on my phone, but this mama was tired of waiting around for Barry to get home, so I just made it work. It definitely wasn't easy, but we succeeded. Now I know that I can do it, and knowing is half the battle.

To keep with the spirit of Thanksgiving:
I am thankful for family and friends who make my world brighter. I am thankful for a husband who works hard to provide for our family. I am especially thankful that he has a job. I am thankful for my home, my amazing fireplace, warm water, and a soft pillow. I am thankful for my pets. I am thankful for our trials. Even though I hate JRA, I know it is making my family stronger, and I am very grateful for that increased strength. I am thankful for my Savior for giving me everything. I am thankful for my daughter. She is my miracle and she teaches me the meaning of unconditional love, bravery, and faith in ways that I never imagined.

sleep?

2011-11-20T14:35:00.000-08:00

Hey there, good looking!

I've decided that if a sitcom or other show had a skit of a typical nighttime for me, people would laugh. My nights are seriously a joke.

Many nights, I get in bed and toss and turn until I finally fall asleep. Occasionally I pass out immediately, but that doesn't happen as often as it used to, thanks to several achy joints that have become a part of my life since having a child.

I sleep for about two hours before the dog wakes me up to go out. He'll go pee, come back in, and I'll settle back into bed. Then, on particularly evil nights, my dog will wake me again a few hours later. Apparently it was too cold or damp for him to take the time to poo the first time he was outside. Awesome. I'll settle back into bed again, and just start to drift off when my cat decides that I have disturbed her sleep and she is now hungry. I take the lid off her food and let her munch away as I start to slumber again. Then, on especially evil nights, Emma will wake just as I fall asleep, and I'll get up to tend her. By the time I'm back in bed, I've been up so much that it takes me a while to really fall asleep. Then, a couple of hours later, Barry's alarm clock goes off, which wakes me and the other cat, who reminds me that it is time for her breakfast. Fifteen minutes of fiddling around with cats and whatnot, and I'm back asleep again, only to be woken two hours later by Emma who has decided that any time between 6 and 7 in the morning is a good time to start the day.

So, what I'm trying to say is I sleep in approximately two hour intervals. That is some severely interrupted sleep. I did some online research and reading on the subject several months ago, but I've forgotten what it said. I have the feeling it wasn't good. (I just found something online that says it may cause memory problems. Go figure.)

One thing is for sure, it's stressing me out and making me a grouch.

29 years for me & 21 months for Em!

2011-11-10T09:41:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!


Thanks, Visiting Teachee, you're the best!

That's right, I'm tooting my own horn, but I think this is the one day a year when I'm perfectly allowed to do so. I love birthdays. I'm not one of those ladies who freaks out about getting a year older. It's okay that I have an increasing number of gray hairs, that's only natural. I'm fine with the fact that this is the last of my birthdays in my 20s, I'm just happy to be alive and well! Birthdays are a special day to celebrate! Today is a day when I can say, "Bring the kid into our bed, Honey, I don't feel like getting up yet!" It's okay that I dumped half a bowl of oatmeal straight into the compost bucket because I realized too late that my husband bought a custard-filled doughnut for my breakfast. Those are the kinds of things that are perfectly acceptable when it's my birthday.

Tomorrow Miss Emma will be 21 months old. Time is flying. In just three little months we'll have a two year old on our hands. She's getting ready for the terrible twos and has her tantrum throwing skills perfected ahead of schedule. We love her to pieces though, so I think it will all be okay. She is talking a ton, but we're frequently running into a problem. Emma will say something out of the blue that we can't understand. Barry and I have no context or reference point, so we start saying words back to her and she says "No" and repeats the mystery word. Sometimes we figure it out, sometimes we all get frustrated and have to change the subject. I can't wait until her pronunciation is better.

The big news: THE ENBREL IS HELPING! EMMA'S ANKLE IS NO LONGER SWOLLEN! This is amazingly wonderful, since the kid's left ankle has been swollen since May. Her knee is better too. It's no longer hot and I don't think it's inflamed, but it is a little lumpy. Her fingers are still little sausages, but I'm hoping they respond soon. We go to physical therapy later this morning. I'm interested to hear what they say.

We're totally related!

On a completely unrelated note, I spent a little time on the internet last night reading about The Hunger Games movie. I'm pretty excited! I'll have to reread those books as soon as I'm done rereading the Hitchhikers' Guide series. I love reading and I am grateful that I have time to read more now that I'm only working part time.

Have a wonderful day, my friends. I know I will!

Exhaustion

2011-11-07T13:56:00.000-08:00

Last week we were initiated into parenthood... Emma had her first stomach flu. Naturally, it came on only a couple of days after starting her new medication, just to put me into panic mode. I calmed down after both her rheumatologist and pediatrician told me that she most likely had a regular tummy bug and not a rare reaction to Enbrel. Regardless of the cause, it was an exhausting few days, complete with an abundance of vomit, clean-up, stress, and tears, insufficient amounts of food and water, and one fussy, little girl. The last of the vomits happened Friday at 1 in the morning. Barry and I worked as a beautiful, albeit sleepy, team as he cleaned the kid and I cleaned the bed and put on fresh sheets. It took a long while before she was calmed down enough to sleep, but we finally all got back to our beds. Then I had to get up and go to work. I was very tired. Thankfully, Emma has fully recovered and is back to her pizza-eating self.

Then Sunday happened to be "The End of Daylight Saving Time." I think Daylight Savings is a ridiculous program and I'm about ready to move to Arizona. I used to love it before motherhood. I especially enjoyed that day in fall when I instantly gained an hour of beautiful sleep. Now, that happens to be the most dreaded day of my year. That's the day when I know I'm going to wake up heinously early, deal with an insane amount of tantrums, and wonder how we'll ever get back to a moderately normal schedule again. Seriously. I've been woken up at about 5:30 A.M. two days in a row now. I'm not a pretty sight to behold and my kid is having more tantrums than I care to admit. I think she's asleep now, which means I need to sneak off and take a nap as well. My brain has been pretty much useless for three days straight.

Before I pass out on the couch, let me close by saying that Emma had her second dose of Enbrel on Sunday and so far everything is going well. I'm glad she is tolerating the medicine, braving the shot, and responding to treatment moderately well. Keep your fingers crossed that this is her miracle drug and we can make her nasty arthritis go away.

zzzzzzz.....


My little duck, 24 hours before the stomach flu!

Help!

2011-10-29T14:29:00.000-07:00

Maybe this isn't the best place to vent these feelings, but I have to get them out somewhere...

I'm at the edge of a very dark, angry place and I'm doing my best not to take the final step into the abyss. I'm extremely stressed out. Right now I'm extra concerned about money because my husband has been out of work for a few months. I chose not to work full time in my life right now, so that I can stay home and raise our daughter, because we can afford it IF HE'S WORKING. Which he's not. I do not like using our savings to pay monthly bills, but I don't exactly have a choice at the moment. How will we pay our mortgage if this unemployment continues? How will we feed our child? How will we pay her medical bills?

That's the extremely huge fear I'm dealing with. Barry has amazing health care coverage through his union that, thankfully, extends out six months from the date he was laid off. Without this, I don't know how we'll go about getting my Emma all of the proper care and medication that she needs. I know there are programs to help, but I don't want to change doctors. The ones we see have been huge blessings in our lives.

Should I find full time work with benefits so I can make sure that my family isn't royally screwed in a few months? Where will I find a teaching job in the middle of the school year? What will I do with Emma during the days if Barry can't watch her because he's job hunting or working side-jobs?

My husband and I love each other. We're very different from each other, except that we are both excessively stubborn. We also have the same long-term goals, and hopes. Unfortunately, I take out all of my frustration, anger, fear, and worry on him. I'd like to punch him in the mouth when I see him next, but I'll probably just give him a hug and a good, stern talking-to.

A New Doctor

2011-10-26T16:45:00.000-07:00

We had our first appointment with Em's new rheumatologist today. She seems fantastic and based on my first impression, well, I'm impressed. She just recently finished her fellowship, so she's fresh, young, and up to date with treatments. Dr. S has seen children benefit from aggressive and conservative treatments, so she is flexible and understanding. She also has two young children of her own, so she interacts beautifully with my Emma. I am happy.

Em's anemia is under control, so we get to stop the iron supplement! Yay! One less thing to bother her tummy. Thankfully, Dr. S likes to avoid prednisone whenever possible, so she didn't even suggest that for Em's treatment. She recommended joint injections or Enbrel as our next step and and was absolutely okay with and supportive of my choice to go to Enbrel and avoid anesthesia and joint injections. So, onto Enbrel it is. Since Kaiser is a well-oiled machine, I'll likely pick it up tomorrow and we'll start this weekend. I'll keep you posted.

Now, Enbrel is scary to a lot of people because it is a new medication. It is a biologic, which means that instead of being chemically manufactured, it is produced in a lab using a biological process. Being a bit of a science nerd myself, I think that's pretty cool; especially since I've always preferred biology to chemistry.

Enbrel works by decreasing the immune system's inflammatory response. It does this by being sneaky. Inside your cells there are lots of receptors that bind to different things and set processes in motion. Think of an electrical socket on your wall. You have to plug in a cord to this receptor to get electricity to your lamp. Once it's plugged in, you flip the switch, and voila! Light! Now, imagine that there are a bunch of extra, fake sockets on your wall. They don't have any electricity connected to them, but you don't know which one is the real one, and which are the fakes. If you plug your lamp into the wrong one, nothing happens. Enbrel is a fake receptor. TNF, which is something that starts the process of inflammation, get tricked by these fake receptors and binds to them and gets stuck. That means there is less TNF floating around to bind to the real receptors and cause inflammation. Thus, a decreased inflammatory response, which means less active auto-immune arthritis.

The bad news: Having a decreased inflammatory response is pretty much the same thing as saying that you have a suppressed immune system, which means a higher risk of infection. Combine this with a toddler who touches everything and has no problem putting her hands into her mouth afterward, and you have a concerned parent. Unfortunately, I can't put my kid in a bubble. Just know that I will be extra paranoid about germs and will avoid you if you are sick. The part that is really scary is that there is an increased risks of cancers, heart failure, and other awful side effects associated with using TNF blockers. Awesome. Either a slow, painful deterioration of her joints that could land her in a wheelchair or a surgery room for a knee replacement in the future due to uncontrolled arthritis, or a higher risk of cancer all because I want my child to be pain-free and able to run, climb, and hold a pencil.

This is why juvenile arthritis sucks so badly. Parents have to make incredibly difficult decisions to help their babies, all the while knowing that each new treatment may have no affect on the disease at all.

At least Emma is happy and active. She's brave and amazingly tough. I could joke and say that she takes after me, but really, I'm hoping that I can learn from her.

Wish us luck.

Super Hero Emma!

2011-10-16T21:56:00.000-07:00

Not a single tear, scream, or cry today during Emma's weekly injection.

The hubby was not home, so I had my mom come over to help out. Em sat in Grammie's lap, watched me get everything ready, then was completely brave during the injection. I counted to three, poked her, then Grammie and I counted to ten together while I gave the methotrexate. (The shot is completely over by the time I get to seven, but I apply pressure with my finger for the last few seconds.) That was it.

My daughter is my hero.

I understand when moms of little babies are heartbroken each time they take their child in for a vaccination. Most people can empathize with those moms, because no one likes to see a kid cry. Can you comprehend what it's like to give your own crying baby an injection every seven days? It's a much easier process when she's not screaming at me, so I am grateful that my girl is becoming so strong and brave. At the same time, I hate the fact that my not-even-two year old is getting accustomed to shots. JA seems to be full of these two-sided victories.

In related news, during Emma's failed attempt at a nap today, she started crying out, "My 'tuck, bed!" She said it over and over with a bit of panic in her voice, so I went to investigate. If you can't speak Emma-talk, that's her way of saying, "I'm stuck in my bed!" The poor thing put her foot through the slats in her crib and turned her ankle just enough so that she couldn't pull her foot back through. I did my best not to let her see me laughing when I rescued her.

She may be brave, but she's still a silly little kid. Thank goodness.

World Arthritis Day & Vomit in the Bath

2011-10-12T21:14:00.000-07:00

So, today happens to be the one day a year dedicated to raising awareness of arthritis around the globe. I know that arthritis is the leading cause of disability in this country. 1 in 5 people have some form of arthritis. 300,000 children in America have Juvenile Idiopathic Arthritis. It's a crappy disease. Emma has had it for five months now. Just five little months of chronic inflammation, discomfort, and medication. Who knows how many more months she'll deal with this. It's likely that she'll never know life without arthritis... unless we find a cure.

Rather than dwell on the negative, today I tried to spend time thinking about the good in my life. Here are a few of my favorites:

A wonderful house, family close by, and food in the pantry!
Friends! Old friends, new friends, good friends!
Faith
An early diagnosis and treatment for Emma's arthritis.
Free PT/OT through California Children's Services! Em just qualified!
A husband who loves me.
An incredible daughter

Let me tell you a story about that amazing daughter...

We made a great dinner tonight, yummy breaded chicken, asparagus, and rice, followed by strawberries and grapes for dessert. It was delicious! Then I stuck the kidlette in the bath and got into bedtime mode when I noticed that she was starting to drink the bath water. GROSS! I got her a cup and some fresh water and she went to town practicing her drinking skills. Since she hasn't mastered the fine art of drinking out of a regular cup, I thought it was brilliant to let her practice in the tub. She can spill all over herself, choke and sputter, and it doesn't make a mess! So I gave her more water. She gulped down too much, coughed too many times, and before I knew it, the complete contents of her stomach made an appearance in the bathtub. Awesome.

While I worked on cleaning up the beauty that was the tub, Barry wrapped Miss Em in a towel and took her to the kitchen where he commenced dinner number two, because I do not want send her to bed with an empty stomach. While sitting on a chair in nothing but a towel, Emma starts saying, "My poo poo." Emma is amazing, but she doesn't know the difference between number one and number two. I ran, grabbed the potty, and stuck her on it. Usually she doesn't sit on the thing for more than a second, and she's never used it for it's purpose, but tonight, sitting on the potty on the chair at the kitchen table, Emma peed! Our first glimpse into potty training success! It was splendid! (Yes, I'm genuinely excited and actually blogging about this.)

I guess the point of this story is that you never know what's going to happen. Everyone is always learning. I'm still figuring out the do's and don'ts of motherhood. (Don't give your kid too much water on a full stomach. Got it now.) Sometimes yucky, unexpected things happen, but you just clean it up and move on. It helps to have someone to support you, to help during the difficult times. Then, when you're in the middle of the madness, you just might see a moment of success, a step in the right direction. Growth and development happen when you least expect, and those little moments of awesomeness are rays of light during a storm.

That's my message to raise awareness about arthritis. That's my message to remind me to hope.

20 Months

2011-10-11T09:30:00.000-07:00

That means we're just four months away from having a two-year-old on our hands! How did that happen?!?

Life is going pretty well around here. Emma's arthritis is still munching away at the same joints. Her knee is improving; the swelling there is hardly noticeable most days. Her ankle's swelling is also down, but it's still obviously swollen. The range of motion in that ankle isn't improving, but I'm not cranking on it during PT as I probably should be. She's running and climbing and getting around really well, which is wonderful. I'm starting to really worry about her fingers. Those little, swollen sausages haven't changed a bit since the onset of this madness. Trying to convince her to hold a crayon or a spoon the correct way is not going so well. I'm afraid of the challenges she is going to face as she grows. Will she be able to learn to write her name? Tie her shoes? Button her own pants? We've got to get the disease under control...

Emma's language skills continue to improve. She's also mastering the art of demanding things and being a bossy little kid. It's frightening. "MY HAVE IT!" comes out of her mouth a lot when she's playing with Addison. Those two are teaching me patience while I'm trying to teach them about sharing. It's awesome.

She is going to sleep very well on her own, thank goodness. Most nights she sleeps straight through, for about eleven hours, which is wonderful. The only downside is that now we wake up around 6:30 A.M. I get a lot more done every morning. (When I'm motivated.)

My happy girls loves to sing and dance, go for walks, play outside, try to pick up the cats and give the dog treats. She enjoys swinging on the swings at the park (finally!), going down slide, looking a bugs, hiding under pillows and blanket. She is fond of spitting out food and handing it back to me while saying, "I don't like it." She throws splendid tantrums, sometimes cuddles her water cup and pretends it's a baby doll, and is trying really hard to help us dress and undress her. She JUST started saying "Um..." which I don't like. She's telling me what foods she would like to eat, which I do like! She counts to ten, with help. On her own it's just, "One, nine, ten!" She says the most heartwarming prayers, "Dear Father, Christ. Amen!"

She makes my life better.

All Shook Up

2011-10-04T09:45:00.000-07:00

I need to vent.

When we moved here a little over three years ago, we had nothing but positive vibes. The first joy was that the house was for sale by actual people, not owned by a bank! The place is small, but the lot is large and there's plenty of room for improvement. The neighbors were all really nice people and everything was fantastic.

About a year and a half ago, our good luck with neighbors came to an end. Old man Bob (the sweetest man ever who lived next door) and his wife moved away. We then became acquainted with the landlords. One was nice, the other, not so great. Some drama ensued, but things have been quiet now for a while so it's not so bad.

The guy on the other side of us was pretty cool. Not someone you'd feel comfortable meeting down a dark alley at night, but we knew him to be friendly, caring, and a good neighbor. Last winter we accidentally offended him by making noise after dark. Mind you, it wasn't even 7PM and when he yelled over the fence to knock it off, Barry and the guys cleaned up and came inside. However, a week or so later when Barry tried to apologize, Neighbor Man wouldn't hear it and refused to accept an apology. Things between us haven't been quite as friendly since. Now, we've managed to make it even worse. Through a few separate events we have unintentionally made Neighbor Man hate us to the point that he wants to beat Barry up and tries to get in a fight with him any time they can meet on public land.

My first response has to be, REALLY?!?! Really?!?! People act like this outside of elementary school? It's ridiculous and absurd and upsetting. My second response is fear. I do not like living next to someone who thinks the best way to solve problems is with his fist. What happened to civilization? To acting like a grown up and working together to find a solution? He won't even let us apologize, he just wants to hurt my husband.

So, we've taken to praying for the guy. It's weird and challenging and it may not even help him at all, but it's helping us learn to forgive.

"But I say unto you which hear, Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you,

Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you." (Luke 6:27-28)

Flattering Portraits.

2011-09-20T19:04:00.000-07:00

My kid takes after me in several ways:

I'm mostly certain that she's left handed.
She loves pizza but picks off the mushrooms.
Her love of animals is already apparent.
She is a klutz.

A few days ago she decided to fall. Her face landed right on her piggy bank toy, which happened to be on it's side. The very edges of it's two right feet left their marks on her face. One, a bruise on her forehead, the other, a fat lip and torn gum. Her crooked smile shows her lip off beautifully.

Good thing the kid is resilient. She gets her stubborn strength from both of her parents.

In other news, I discovered that my camera has a self portrait timer on it that takes three consecutive shots. What is the point of this feature? When would anyone use it, other than to be ridiculous and silly?

Naturally, I tested it out.

Which brings me to yet another way that my daughter takes after me. We both make really amazing faces for photos.

19 months

2011-09-11T19:49:00.000-07:00

My, how time flies.

This month, the biggest change in the life of Emma happened last week when I decided that we were done with the pacifiers. I cut the nipples off of Emma's two bedtime pacifiers and took them to her, saying "uh oh" and "broken." She looked at them, tried to suck on them, and realized that wasn't going to work. I told her that we needed to put them in the trash and she complied with very little convincing. (Thank goodness.) Since then, she only asks for them occasionally and never for very long. (Thank goodness, again.) However, falling asleep takes her longer than it used to, which is definitely not my favorite thing. I don't think she likes it much either. Oh well. We shall survive.

Her language skills are remarkable. Barry thought it would be a good idea to count the words that she says on her own. It took us a few days, but our final count is 205 words. We are very much impressed. She is also making lots of little sentences, which we love to hear. Some of my favorites are, "Daddy, stop it!" when he's tickling her too much and "I need help" when she can't open a container or put a piece into a puzzle. She says things like "I color," "I hide," or "I phone" to let us know what she wants. She says prayers (with a lot of help and guidance from us) that could melt The Grinch's heart. Emma understands the concept of ownership. "Daddy's hat." "Mommy's water." "Emma's milk." She is becoming more and more a child, less and less a baby. It is awesome to be able to communicate with my little girl.

Her arthritis is still in full swing. She's getting around really well, though. I think the higher mtx is making a little bit of a difference, but it will take time to know for sure. We will be switching to the newly hired pediatric rheumatologist in Oakland and no longer seeing the doctors at UCSF. I hope the new doctor is good.

That little girl of mine is amazing.

Two Fun Days In A Row!

2011-09-01T22:29:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Emma and I drove to San Francisco for her second appointment with the pediatric rheumatologist at UCSF. Getting there went much better than the first visit because we didn't have to wake up early and deal with as much traffic. I also got in to the correct lane this time, so I could enjoy the smoothness of using my FasTrak at the Bay Bridge toll plaza. We arrived almost thirty minutes before our appointment! (A vast improvement from the right-on-time arrival of visit number one.) I figured we'd have time to sit down and eat a snack, but they called us in early. I love when that happens!

I really love the fellow that sees Emma. She is bubbly, friendly, and sweet. The attending doctor is awesome and full of knowledge, but less warm and fuzzy. Anyhow, they both checked Em over. We all agreed that we see some progress from where she was eight weeks ago, but not enough improvement. The methotrexate that Emma has been on for six weeks now is typically given for several months before doctors want to move on to more aggressive treatment. We're going to increase her dose and do it for two more months before we decide on the next step. I was also told that our physical therapy is lame and we need to do a lot more than just encourage Emma to play in certain positions. We need to take it up a notch and manually stretch and push her stiff joints. It's not my, or Emma's, favorite thing.

As much as I want the mtx to do the trick, I am preparing myself for the likelihood that it will not be enough. So, I'm starting to research and pray about our next choices.

Put her under anesthesia and inject a steroid into her joints. This works really well for some people and can immediately get rid of inflammation. The problem is that it's only possible on bigger joints, so there's no way it could be done to help her tiny sausage fingers. Plus, I'm not too keen on anesthetizing my wee-bitty child.
Oral Prednisone. It will help her feel better overall, with decreased inflammation, but it has icky side-effects.
Enbrel. A twice a week injection that we would give at home. A little more scary than the mtx, because it's newer and has some really horrible, but very rare, side-effects. It's a biologic, which I think is pretty cool.

All of these options are complicated because they have the potential to do so much good, but also the potential to do harm. I have already learned that Juvenile Arthritis is a nasty disease that forces good parents to make a lot of hard choices. As Emma would say, (while spitting out food and putting it into my hand) "I don't like it."

Anyhow. Emma and I enjoyed the beautiful day in S.F. by eating lunch in Golden Gate Park, waving to numerous people and dogs, and taking a walk. Then we came home and I went out to get a pedicure and manicure with my long-time best friend. Not a bad day.

Today was even better. The whole family drove to Santa Cruz for a day of fun! We found a sandy beach, laid out a blanket, and enjoyed the ocean air. The waves were crazy because of a storm on the other side of the planet, and high tide came in swiftly, soaking my pants in the process. I spent the next couple of hours looking really stylish in my husband's orange board shorts.

Emma had a blast digging in the sand, walking along the water, chasing birds, and getting sand everywhere. The sun even decided to come out and play! Barry found three sand toys to add to Emma's collection. I enjoyed watching Emma have so much fun. I also found a few minutes of peace to lie back, close my eyes, and just listen to the ocean.

Our adventure wrapped up with a delicious crepe lunch, here, with my favorite Eric in the world.

I'd say it was a perfect day. What do you think?

Out with the Old, In with the New!

2011-08-16T14:08:00.000-07:00

After at least nine years of faithful service, I had to retire my dear pink galoshes. They served me well at UCSB during many bike rides to and from campus in the pouring rain. They were invaluable on wet camping trips to the coast. They even helped my feet stay dry on a few visits to the snow.

Alas, they have a hole and can keep me dry no longer.

It's okay though, because I just bought these.

They're not pink, but they are covered in elephants.
Hooray!!!

18 Months

2011-08-11T20:44:00.000-07:00

How on earth did we get here already?

The Bean has grown so much. Her language skills continue to amaze us. She still talks in babble sentences, but there is always at least one recognizable word in there. She's using more and more small sentences of all real words, mostly "My _______." Her cutest phrase is "Daddy's home!" She has learned some words to a few songs and it is the most precious thing in the world to hear her sing "I am a child of God" or "Rock-a-bye baby." She doesn't get all of the words in there, but you can tell what she's singing and I love it.

Emma's top two canines have made their entrance, now we just have to get her to want to brush her teeth again. She is becoming a more confident climber on playgrounds and loves going down slides. She is still terrified of swinging. Her climbing skills and added height have allowed her to climb on to the couch on her own, which is a little nerve wracking. She loves my old Cabbage Patch Kids doll. We only watch Sesame Street a little at a time, but she loves it and knows several characters. It makes me happy that my kid likes Grover. I'll accept the fact that she likes Elmo a lot, too.

This week she slept through the night once. The kid sleeps about 11.5 hours each night and has slept straight through maybe twelve times total in her whole life. She wakes at least once a night and calls out for me. I nurse her and she goes straight back to sleep, so it's not too terrible to deal with, but it's not my favorite thing either. Yes, we still nurse a few times a day. (Learn why here.) I'm all for extended breastfeeding and baby-led weaning.

When it comes to her JA, it seems that she is getting around a little bit better. Her swollen joints still look the same, but she's almost running, which is a vast improvement from the slow hobble we've been dealing with for the past three months. She seems to be feeling okay, but the more I learn about this disease, the more I worry about what will happen next. I'm doing my best at letting go of my worries and just taking things day by day, but if you know me, you know I'm a worrier. So it goes.

Being a parent is full of ups and downs, isn't it? I'm thankful that the ups are absolutely incredible.

PT part Dos

2011-08-08T13:21:00.000-07:00

Emma saw the physical therapist again today and it went pretty well. As I mentioned before, we don't actually do much physical therapy. We mostly talk, watch Emma move around, measure some of her joints' range of motion, and talk some more about the kinds of activities I should encourage.

The good news is that Em's range of motion is improving. Her knee went from -30 degrees to -17. I don't know if the sporadic, short intervals of PT exercises that we've been doing have made the difference, or if the mtx is starting to reduce swelling and give her some more flexibility. Either way, I'm happy. We go back again in four weeks and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that things are even better by then.

I gave Em her 4th mtx injection yesterday. They're getting better and better. She cries and talks to me all about her "boo boo" and "ouchie" as soon as she sees me get out the medication. She stresses out and cries when I give her the shot, but about five seconds later, she's fine. I'm becoming more comfortable with the whole process, too, which is making everything better. I can't believe how hard it must be for someone with no previous experience giving injections. One woman told me that she gives it to her daughter when she's sleeping. I kind of like that idea, except who knows if Emma would sleep through it. With my luck, that little bee-stinger-sized needle would wake her up and ruin our entire day. I don't know. As long as we continue to have success doing the injections while she's awake, that's what I'm going to keep on doing.

Wowzers.

2011-08-02T20:40:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading a book called Lone Survivor by Marcus Luttrell. He's a Navy SEAL who went through some seriously difficult experiences in the mountains of Afghanistan. I was able to get past the fact that he has the mouth of a sailor and is a super conservative military man, and really enjoyed the book. It was well written and the story was unlike anything I've ever read. I like being in a book group because it introduces me to books that I would never read on my own. It's good to be exposed to different perspectives. It's also good to learn a little about what our Armed Forces go through. It makes me thankful for the challenges I face in comparison.

Speaking of which, I have my first cold since Emma started methotrexate. I'm feeling paranoid. For those of you who don't know, methotrexate (mtx) is a drug that suppresses the immune system in such a way that inhibits inflammation. I'm not so keen on having a kid running around with a suppressed immune system. I know I can't put her in a bubble, (Her rheumatologist expressly told me I couldn't!) but I would like to limit her exposure to sick people. Slightly impossible when the sick person is me, especially since I know I was contagious before I started having symptoms. I can't take back all of the kisses and snuggles I gave her yesterday.
I hope she doesn't get sick.

At least I don't have to fight battles in some foreign land where my life is constantly in danger.

Okay, bedtime for Mrs. Sore Throat.

PT part Uno

2011-07-26T14:34:00.000-07:00

Physical therapy (for Emma) doesn't seem so bad. The therapist's room is full of toys to dig through, climb on, and explore. The view from her third-story window of the parking lot is perfect for my little munchkin who enjoys watching people and cars. Plus, the therapist is super nice.

However, there isn't a lot of actual therapy for us to do. You can't make a stubborn 17 month old flex and stretch. As the therapist put it, Emma has her own agenda. Thankfully, the kid does a bunch of good "exercises" on her own, just by playing and running around. All of our go-home instructions start with the word "encourage." Encourage tummy time (to help her knee). Encourage her to go up on her toes and reach for things (to help her ankle). Encourage her to crawl (to help her wrist). It's all good and well in theory, but Emma doesn't participate in ANY activity for more than a minute or two, so these range of motion exercises won't happen much. I just hope they happen enough to make a difference.

On a positive note, the therapist was quite impressed with the Bean's verbal skills and vocabulary. That made me feel happy and proud. Especially since she only got a small sampling of Emma's conversational skills.

Making Connections

2011-07-21T12:29:00.000-07:00

Earlier this week Emma and I made a trip to the pet store for some kitty necessities. When we visit any location with animals, I like to take the time to show Emma all of the different critters. She loves animals, and I will do everything I can to encourage that love.

After looking at the birds, we made our way over to the fish tanks. We came to one with cute, little orange tetra swimming about. Emma saw these little fish and pointed.

Then she started saying, "Nack! Nack!"

"Nack" is Emma's word for "snack" which more specifically means "cracker." What do you suppose is Emma's favorite cracker (and therefore her favorite snack) in the world?!?

She loves the fishes 'cause they're so delicious!

When I realized the connection my little girl had made, I could help but laugh!

*These are not my photos. I found them on google. Thank you, internet.

I feel like Potter tonight, like Potter tonight!

2011-07-18T09:18:00.000-07:00

I gave Emma her first methotrexate injection yesterday. It went really well. If she could just hold still for 30 seconds it would have gone a little bit better, but that's okay. She really hates being restrained, so Daddy's going to have to figure out how to hold her hands without her realizing that he's up to something. It will get better and easier with time. Thankfully, she tolerated the medicine well and seems a-okay so far.

In other news, Barry and I are going to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part Two tonight! Yay! I'm so excited! I'm looking forward to it for my own enjoyment, but I'm also excited to talk with Barry about it afterward. He's never read the books, and though I've told him some things about how it all ends, I haven't told him everything. Since I can't read the series over again for the first time, I can at least enjoy Barry's first experience of it all.

The week is off to a good start. I'm hoping it stays that way!

The Next Step

2011-07-14T22:26:00.000-07:00

Today we spent an hour and a half at the doctor's office. First we waited. Then I talked with the nurse while Emma ran through the room and tried to get into everything. We went over all of the side effects of methotrexate. We also went over everything I need to know to start giving Emma the weekly injections. I picked up the medication, bought my sharps disposal container (I feel so official.) and went back to see the nurse once more. This time Emma played with rubber gloves and a (clean, unused) specimen cup while I talked with the nurse. We double checked that the medication dosage matched the prescription. We played with a syringe to check out the size of the needle and make sure I knew exactly how much medicine I would be drawing up and giving.

I got more direction than necessary, but that's okay. In fact, I think I got more instruction on how to draw up a liquid with a needle and syringe from this nurse than I've received from any of the vets I've worked for over the years.

The nurse is great. Emma's doctor is fantastic. I feel like we're getting really special treatment and it is refreshing to see that, in this busy, fast-paced world, these people are taking the time to care. I'm really happy with Em's medical care so far.

Back at home, while Emma napped, I spent a ton of time on the internet and felt productive. First, I ordered three books about treating arthritis through natural methods, particularly diet. I'm interested to see what they say and try out some new recipes that will supposedly help decrease inflammation. Anything is worth a shot. I figure the more we do to help control this madness, the better odds we have of succeeding.

Then, I starting reading blogs written by other moms of kids with JRA. Check out the list I added to the bottom right of my blog if you'd like to read some. It feels good to know we're not alone, to see that other families struggle with this, and to learn that so many people are stepping out and speaking up in their communities to educate others about this disease. Awareness is important. I mean, really, I never heard of a child getting arthritis until it happened to my own kid. I look forward to following these other families' journeys and learning from their experiences.

Last, I called our local chapter of the Arthritis Foundation in an effort to connect with people in my own community and learn how to get involved. Unfortunately, the lady in charge of the JRA department wasn't in, but I left her a message, so we'll be in touch soon.

I feel good. I feel like I'm finally doing something, like I'm taking steps to improve to my little girl's progress.

We'll see how her first injection goes this weekend...

17 months

2011-07-12T13:59:00.000-07:00

Mooo!

The kid is a talker. Much of the time we can't understand what she's saying, but more and more her words and sentences are starting to make sense. The other day she turned to the dog, who was outside waiting to be let in, and said, "No. Go potty!" I love when she uses a bossy voice and chastises the pets. She just said "Bless you" after Baby Torah sneezed. One of the highlights this past week was when Emma started to say "Gramma." My mom's heart melted. This kid is amazing and adorable.

In the past month she has sprouted her bottom two canines. I believe that just leaves the top two canines and four more molars until she has all of her baby teeth. What a big kid.

When I look at older pictures, I am amazed to find that she is, in fact, getting cuter and cuter with time. She is more physically capable every day. She really enjoys playing in water and swimming. She loves playing with babies and animals. She loves singing and dancing. You should hear her belt out the hymns in church. My apologies to the people sitting around us on Sundays, there's no way to keep a straight face when Emma's singing along.

Her first appointment with the pediatric rheumatologist went pretty well. We should be able to start some more medication soon to get this inflammation under control. That will be very good. Keep your fingers crossed that it works.

We love our Emma Bean.

Sixteen Months

2011-06-12T20:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, my Emma hit the 16 month mark. We celebrated with a family trip to the Spencer cabin for the weekend with Barry's dad and older sister. Even the dogs came. It was Emma's and my first time there, so it was pretty special. We had a lot of fun playing in the snow and enjoying the fresh mountain air! I even rode with Barry on the snowmobile! The only bad part was that Em doesn't sleep so well when we're somewhere different, so it was an exhausting trip.

The biggest developmental change that I've noticed in the month is Emma's ability to communicate. Her speaking vocabulary has grown so much in the past few weeks, it's amazing! She can say so many words now, including truck, car, paci (pacifier), light, nurse, milk, snack, night-night, sock, clock, baby, mommy, daddy, Dawn, Addi (Addison), kitty-kitty, boo boo, up, please, help, bath, hat, phone, eye, nose, mouth, yes, and no. Please keep in mind that many of these words don't exactly sound like the real thing, but I know what she is saying and she knows exactly what she means. She also makes animal noises, which is a lot of fun. She knows the sounds that are made by a cow, horse, sheep, goat, duck, goose, dog, cat, monkey, and snake.

Em now has four molars. Well, she's got three and a half, but that's close enough for me. Sometimes she really likes brushing her teeth, sometimes she really hates it. I hope she's learns to like it better so she can grow up with no cavities like her mommy.

A very difficult discovery has been made in the past month. A few days after her fifteen-month-day, Emma started limping and was clearly in pain when trying to walk in the mornings. I couldn't figure out why. Eventually it became obvious that her ankle was swollen. It didn't get better, so we went to the doctor. It didn't get better, so we took an x-ray. It didn't show anything unusual, so we did bloodwork. The bloodwork indicated that Emma could have Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis. The next day a few of her fingers appeared swollen as well. Three days later a knee became extremely swollen and painful. The fact that it's showing up in many different joints confirms the diagnosis of JRA. We're going to see the ophthalmologist this week, going to recheck bloodwork next week, and waiting to get in to the juvenile rheumatologist. Things are okay overall. She is on an NSAID that helps with the pain. She's still limping and still swollen, but we're getting by for now.

No mother wants to hear that there is something wrong with her baby and it is very difficult to see your perfect child in pain. However, everybody has their trials in this life. This will be one of ours. Thankfully, Em has a great pediatrician, a loving family, and a strong will. I'm fairly certain that this will change our lives, but I'm glad that JRA is a manageable condition.

My poor little Bean.

Thankfully, she is still her happy, wacky self most of the time. She makes us laugh and smile. She gets around everywhere (she just doesn't run quite as fast any more) and gets into everything. She makes my life complete.

Memorial Day Stroll

2011-05-31T14:54:00.000-07:00

My husband is a good man, not all that skilled when using Google Maps, but a good man. He planned a nice walk for us on Memorial Day. We would walk approximately 2.5 miles, eat lunch in downtown Los Gatos, and walk back. We met up with his cousin, her husband and baby, and began our trek along the Los Gatos Creek Trail. It was great, lots of different trees, ducks, geese, and people. I really enjoyed catching up with his cousin and I'm glad our baby girls finally got to meet.

We'd been walking for a while when I asked Barry how much further we had. "Just a little bit. Downtown is right up there." he said, pointing ahead. We walked a while further and my legs started feeling like jello when I asked again. He gave me the exact same answer. Oh great.

Finally we made it, ate some Mexican food that was too expensive and only moderately yummy, then got up to make out way back. We began walking back and enjoyed a nice break while the girls chased geese. Then we wiped all the goose poo off of their shoes, pants, and hands, and continued our journey. I was tired by the time we got to our cars, but it was a good kind of tired.

Once we were at home we played around on Google Maps together and discovered that the route was actually 4.5 miles one way. I walked nine miles yesterday! I'm proud of myself.

As for Barry, his excuse is that he used to ride his bike on that trail all the time as a kid and it never seemed very long. My husband is a good man, just don't trust him when he tells you the approximate distance of a trail or length of time it takes to travel.

Orange Bee

2011-05-24T13:45:00.000-07:00

I've been using this for a few months. I haven't noticed a huge difference in my skin, so I can't really recommend it as a cleanser. However, if you want to have the most mouth watering, delicious smelling, face washing experience of your life, buy this product. It smells so amazingly good that every time I wash my face I find myself desperately thirsty for orange juice. Mmm...

Fifteen Months

2011-05-10T19:45:00.001-07:00

I am TOTALLY ticked off right now. I originally wrote this on the 10th and saved it as a draft. I edited, added all the details from Em's doctor's visit, and published it on the 11th. Now, suddenly I find that it is gone from my blog and reverted back to the pre-edited draft. I'm too peeved to go through and fix it now, so sorry that this is not as witty, wonderful, or error free as it once was. What the crap happened? I know it posted on the 11th because a friend of mine saw it. Boo.

We're a quarter of the way through Emma's second year of life. Time is flying. At her doctor's appointment this morning she measured 2 feet 7 inches tall and is weighing in at 20 pounds 14 ounces. That is a jump from the 23rd to 73rd percentile for height and 8th to 20th percentile for weight! Growth Spurt!!!!

She is growing so much, learning so quickly, and running everywhere. She loves to be outside. She like putting on grown ups' shoes. Heck, she likes when you put her shoes on her feet because that means we're going outside. Right now she has mastered a few words and chooses to use them universally. Almost everything is "mama, dada, mommy," or "daddy." Since "num-num" worked so well to get food and water, anytime she wants anything she reaches out and says, "num-num." Her vocabulary is expanding, she just falls back on these words most of the time. With a little prompting she knows to say please when she wants something. She says "nana" for banana, and "nack" for snack, but she thinks all snacks are crackers. I think I taught her the word "cracker" yesterday, we'll see if it sticks around today. She says her own version of socks, clock, Jesus, kitty, dog, and bath. She says "baby" very well and has grown attached to the one pictured above. Her ability to repeat words is improving too. House, trees, leaves, street, are some of the words she is able to repeat fairly well. I'm so proud of her.

Her hair is getting so long that it's in her eyes, but I don't want to cut it. I don't want to put clips or bows in it either because that's just the way I am. Clips don't last too long with my child, anyway. She is becoming more and more dexterous, and it's fun to watch her fine motor skills improve. She really enjoys scribbling on paper with crayons but gets really mad when I take the crayons away. Sorry kid, you can't walk around my house with any kind of writing implement.

Right now she is going through a needy, fussy, cry-when-I-don't-get-my-way stage. It isn't a lot of fun. She's so darn curious and I have to stop her from her desired activities frequently, so we have many a crying fit followed by me hastily redirecting her to something new. I attribute these tantrums it in part to her age, and partially to teething. Poor kid. I knew her first molar was cutting through the gum, I didn't realize that she had three cooking at once. I'd be grouchy too.

In the past month or so she has been willing to give kisses and it is the greatest thing in the world. She doesn't really give a kiss, but if you ask her for one she'll lean in for a smooch. It melts our hearts.

Emma bo bemma, you make your Mommy and Daddy so happy.

Motherhood

2011-05-08T20:44:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my second Mother's Day as a mom. I've got a lot on my mind.

I'm so grateful for the doctrine of motherhood that is taught by my church. We believe that motherhood is the highest, most noble service of mankind. That the feminine traits to nurture, love, and lead others have been divinely placed within women to do great good in the world. All women, whether mothers or not, have the special abilities to reach out to others, to love, and to heal. It is an amazing power.

It is a very long line of mothers nurturing children has gotten us to this point in history.

My great-grandmother, my mom's paternal grandmother, was an interesting woman. She nearly lived a century and saw so much from 1905 to 2004. She told stories about her childhood in the south and her family's move to Ohio by covered wagon. Every time we made a visit she gave a five dollar bill to each of the children. Bribery? Maybe. But it was something that made us feel special, something to look forward to. That, and the dish full of orange slice candies that were so delicious. She had one of these:
that was woven and sat on her mantle. I remember staring at it for a very, very long time before my eyes could look past the red shapes and see the white letters. I don't recall ever hearing about religion on my mother's side of the family, but here was my Savior's name in Nana Bea's living room. I know that she loved her son, my grandpa. I know that she loved my mother, father, brother, and me.

My maternal grandmother was always kind to me. She sold Avon, so I received many pieces of Avon jewelry over the years. My favorite gift from her as a little girl was special, kid-friendly dress-up makeup. Oh the joys of being a girl! Grandma Lois had cats, she smoked in the house, and I always got the impression that she was sassy. She raised four children, lived through a divorce, and lost her final fight to pancreatic cancer. She was a strong woman. My mom calls her "Mother," which sounds more respectful and old fashioned than "Mom." I like it. My mom dearly loved her mother, and I know my grandma deeply loved her children and grandchildren.

My paternal grandmother was the kind of woman who always wore nylons and lipstick when she left the house. She whispered whenever she gossiped, she put curlers in my hair for fun, and showed my what it meant to be a devoted wife. I never saw her lose her temper. Grandma Frances raised four boys, was Catholic (but not in an over the top kind of way), and always made me comfortable in her home. She lost her final fight to lung cancer after battling Alzheimer's. She, too, was a strong woman. My grandpa (my favorite person in the world) loved her more than anything. I know that love was reciprocated. I know she loved my family and me.

My own mother is... I'm at a loss for words. I honestly don't know what I would do or who I would be without her. She is who I call when I need reassurance, who I turn to for support in any endeavor. It is she who has taught me how to be a woman in today's world. She is strong in her own way, full of emotion, full of hopes, faith, and fears. She is my dearest friend and it has been amazing to watch our relationship evolve and strengthen through the years.

I think about my own daughter, about the example I want to be for her. I know she will grow to be a girl and then a woman. I hope she will become a mother herself. She learns so much, so quickly. If she sees something done once she will repeat it. The words she hears, the actions she sees all shape her world and her person. Am I doing enough to lead her in the right direction? I certainly hope so.

Being a mother is incredible. I first knew what it is to love like a mother when I was a child raising a kitten. I felt it more as a teacher guiding my students. I live it now as a mother to a little girl who shares my genes. I am so proud of my baby, so pleased to see the joy that she brings to everyone she meets. She literally spreads smiles and happiness. I've seen it in a smiling girl driving by as we took our walk, the man playing peek-a-boo in line at the post office, numerous people in other cars at stop lights who wave to say hello. It makes me feel radiant to know that the greatest source of my joy spreads it to others so easily. I hope she continues to do so as she grows and has influence on others. I pray that she embraces that gift and uses it to mother others.

What a beautiful thing, motherhood. It is a powerful strength that is found in the love of a woman's heart.

Happy Mother's Day.

14 months (9 days late)

2011-04-20T15:21:00.000-07:00

My Emma-Bean is amazing and growing so much all of the time.

- She says her version of "yes" when you ask her a question.
- She understands SO much that I say to her and follows directions fairly well.
- She still has just 8 teeth, but I feel some swelling and am expecting a molar or two soon.
- She eats like a champ. She's a good girl and eats her vegetables. I'm fairly certain that she likes pizza as much as I do.
- She says "Mommeeeee" and "Daddeeeeeeee" and it is amazing. Sometimes it's just babble, but sometimes she is saying our names. Melts my heart.
- Her sleep is unpredictable, but we're currently on a good week of one to zero nighttime wakings.
- She loves to take a walk around the neighborhood, pick things up, and stare at people.
- She really enjoys babysitting little T with me.
- She loves her best friend, Addison.

Hoarder

2011-04-05T11:20:00.000-07:00

I just got a big black garbage back and opened my closet. I was so ready to get rid of those clothes that I haven't worn for a while and donate them so that they could be used and loved again. I pulled about five shirts off of hangers and then glanced at everything else and shut the closet door. Then I opened a drawer in my dresser. I glanced at the overflowing amount of t-shirts. I closed the drawer. I thought about starting in the next drawer, the pants drawer, but didn't. I opened and closed the shirt drawer one more time before putting the garbage bag into my closet and telling myself that I'll get to it soon. Today is just not the day.

So, what is my deal? Why do I keep clothes that I no longer wear? Some of the shirts are from certain events or places, so I hold on to them as reminders of those times. Everything else? I have no idea. I love my clothes and don't want to part with them, even though I have too many items to wear. Then there is the pile of pre-pregnancy clothes that still do not fit. Do I donate those and give up hope of every regaining my previous size and shape? Or do I hold on to them and allow them to take up space even though it is unlikely I'll be wearing them again? AHHHH!

In other news, I am still reading like a mad woman. Barry is working second shift these days, so I have a stretch of peaceful alone time between Emma going to bed and Barry coming home. That's when I sit on my nice, new couch, pop out the foot rest, recline, and read a book.

The info on the book club I joined is found here: Livermore Literary Ladies
There are links on the right to each year's book list. I've enjoyed all of the books on this year's list so far. I really liked Magic Hour by Kristin Hannah, so I just started reading another one of her books. I liked Austenland a lot. I also really enjoyed Water for Elephants, except for all of the sex. I've read the Hunger Games series this year, which I loved. Barry and I were both addicted to those books.

Okay, I've got laundry to do and a closet full of clothes to ignore.

P.S. Happy SIXTIETH Birthday to my dad!!!

Book Worm

2011-03-24T14:03:00.000-07:00

It's only March and I've already read more books this year than I read in the entire twelve months of 2010.
I am amazing!

Accomplishing this major feat is undoubtedly due to the fact that I am no longer working full time. Joining a book club has helped. Emma has also helped by taking longer naps than she did last year.

I'm a happy little worm.

Thirteen Months!

2011-03-14T16:34:00.000-07:00

Let me start off by saying that I once promised myself never to talk about my baby's age in months after the first year mark. I just thought it sounded strange and didn't want to be one of those moms who spoke in unfamiliar units of time. I was a fool. Saying she's "one year AND a month" sounds too much like "One year IN a month" and then I might confuse someone. If I say she's 13 months old people can figure it out. So, here I am, counting in months.

I don't really know what to say. Time is flying and Em is amazing. She is running now and falling less. She says "Uh oh!" when she drops things. She understands tons of what I say to her. Her hair is finally laying flat instead of sticking up everywhere. Her ears are ticklish. She is adorable.

Here she is enjoying her happy place. She climbs up well, but doesn't get down so easily.

Super Emma!!!!

In other news, I am going to become a babysitting champion! In addition to watching my buddy Addison as part of a babysitting trade that allows me to go to work once a week, I'm going to start watching an itty-bitty baby soon. Little Torah is exactly one year and a day younger than Emma and she's going to be our new buddy. I'm excited!

12 month stats

2011-02-17T09:57:00.000-08:00

Emma had her 12 month check up with the doctor this week. All is well. She is petite but growing beautifully. She cried for her vaccines, but only for a second, and has otherwise had a wonderful week.

Weight: 18 lbs 2.2 oz (8th percentile)
Height: 28.25 inches (23rd percentile)

She started walking at about 11.5 months. She now has 8 teeth. She waves hello and goodbye. She says "Hi" and "Dye dye" (instead of "bye bye"). She points at things and says "Dats". She jabbers on and on in baby language, nodding her head and gesturing to emphasize her points. I nod and agree accordingly. She knows when I'm asking her a question; sometimes she understands, other times she just nods "yes" in hopes of getting something out of the deal. She loves food, particularly whatever I am eating. She's still trying to figure out how to drink milk out of a sippy cup without spitting it out. She still nurses several times a day (and at night). She still doesn't sleep straight through. She loves bath time and has to be told a thousand times each bath to sit on her bottom. She adores the cats and dog. She's starting to throw tantrums and I'm trying to learn how to not give in. She is my greatest source of joy.

ONE YEAR!!!!

2011-02-12T19:08:00.001-08:00

I will have to post all of the fun stats later, especially after we go to the doctor and I find out how much little Emma has grown. I can't believe my baby is a year old. I have survived the first year of motherhood and it has been amazing.

We had an incredible birthday party for The Bean today at my parents' house. A ton of people were there. I was so overwhelmed before hand, I got there late and in a sour mood, but when I walked in the door and heard so many familiar voices of people I adore, I almost cried with joy. Thank you to my family for your support, my amazing husband for doing so much prep and set up, and for all of the people who came and shared their love. Everything was perfect.

In other news, we had a quick trip up to Eureka earlier this week for Great-Grandma Loie's memorial service. She was Barry's great-grandmother and she lived a full life for 99 years. We were both very sad to see her go, but so thankful to have known her.

On the way up 101 Barry said to me, "I don't think your speedometer is working." Sure enough it decided to go haywire on us. It continued to move up any time the car accelerated, but it did not go back down when we decreased speed. All we could do was go with the flow and guess our speed. There was a time when we were "going" 120mph, which we figured was about 65mph based on where the needle was when the car turned on. Oh my goodness. As if I don't stress out enough when Barry's driving. This just made it worse.

Magically, it fixed itself. Fine, super, fantastic. I didn't really want to pay the $$$ that the dealer would have wanted for a replacement. Let's see how long it holds out before I look down to find myself driving at excessive speeds again.

Excitement!!!

2011-01-23T21:06:00.000-08:00

We bought a huge couch and Emma is starting to walk!

I've had back pain and all sorts of issues in the past year that caused me to visit my chiropractor more than I liked. Pregnancy then carrying a kid around had something to do with it, but our couch was also to blame. When we got our first couch (a really wonderful hand-me-down blessing) Barry removed all the cushions and cleaned it really well. He also removed all of the extra stuff that the previous owner had placed below the cushions to give it more support. Whoever shoved that stuff in the couch did it for a reason. Removing it was a bad idea. The couch became way too squishy and gave no back support.

After ages of complaining, Barry finally agreed that it was time to buy a new one! Wahoo! We looked online and shopped a little bit in September or October. The weekend after Thanksgiving we decided it was time.

I called up the saleslady we had dealt with before and asked if they had any holiday sales. She didn't say yes or no, but rather, "Come on down and I'll see what I can do." Her tone of voice definitely said yes. When we got to the store I apparently wasn't being tough enough and clearly didn't know what I was doing, according to Barry. He played the part of the hesitant husband with the final say, hoping to get their prices to come down. Dude. The lady was already going to give me a deal. I talked to her on the phone.

One way or another, we got a discounted price and the promise of a new couch in four to six weeks. Two or three weeks later we gave away the old couch so that we wouldn't end up with too much furniture in our little house. Having no couch for a couple of weeks was kind of fun and made the living room seem huge.

The new luxurious piece of furniture finally arrived, we set up the baby jail anew, and all was well.

Yesterday Emma began taking four or five steps by herself instead of just one or two. It was extremely exciting and loads of fun. It also made me realize that she needs a bigger space and less furniture to hold on to for support to really challenge her to walk more. Today I disassembled the baby jail and now my living room looks like this.

It is a beautiful and wonderful time in our lives. Last week I was complaining about how I know she can walk, but she just doesn't know she can. I would have to pry my fingers from her hand in order to get her to take one step on her own. Today is a completely different story. This little girl is finally gaining enough confidence to take steps on her own! It is an amazing thing to watch a child grow so rapidly and find so much joy in the everyday activities us grown ups take for granted.

Enjoy:

ELEVEN MONTHS!!!

2011-01-11T13:31:00.000-08:00

How did we get here?!?!?

The Baby Bean is almost ONE. I can hardly believe it.

Not all that much has changed in the past month. She's got a few more teeth, for a grand total of seven. She is still a champion walker if she's holding onto someone's hand. She has taken a step or two on her own, but that's it. The length of time that she can stand independently is growing, though. She still loves food and is getting better and better at eating table foods on her own. The best is a banana. I can give her a piece and she holds it and takes bites all by herself. She loves bananas, I think she's part monkey. I don't know how much she weighs or how tall she is, but she's still small for her age and that's okay with me. She usually wears the 9 month size of clothing, but she can still wear some 6 month clothes, and dons a 12 month sweatshirt from time to time.

I am currently working on plans for her first birthday party. It won't be anything too extravagant, just a bunch of people hanging out and having a good time.
These past eleven months have absolutely flown by me.

2010

2010-12-29T16:18:00.000-08:00

What a year!

This is the year I became a mom and life changed forever. This is the year that I became a sleep-deprived wreck, that my husband finally started working during the day again, that we read the Book of Mormon the whole way through, together. The year that Gypsy died, that I quit my job, that Barry's Grandpa died and we made the trek to Oregon.

I'm sure a lot has happened, but I feel like it's all baby related and I'm pretty sure you've heard it already.

Cheers, 2010, you've been good to me. Let's hope the New Year is just as kind!

Ten Months

2010-12-14T10:22:00.000-08:00

A few days late...

Saturday The Bean hit the 10 month mark. That's wild and crazy and I can hardly believe how quickly this first year of her life is flying by. Here's the latest and greatest:

-She's able to stand without holding on to anything for several seconds. She can walk pretty well while holding only one of my hands for support. It won't be long before she is walking everywhere and getting into everything.

-Her little mouth has four teeth that she loves to brush. By "brush" I mean that she loves to gnaw on the toothbrush.

-She is babbling up a storm. She will copy sounds, especially silly things like clicking you tongue or blowing so your lips vibrate and make fun noises. The best thing of all... She Meows! When she hears a cat meow, she says, "Eeooowwwww" right back to them. It is delightful.

-The vocabulary that she understands has increased, too. She's also figured out that when I point to something she should look in that general direction.

-She loves to stick her finger in her nose. I wonder where she got that?!?! (It is the pointer finger on her LEFT hand. So hoping she is a lefty!)

-When I let her hold a hair brush, she attempts to brush her hair.

-She LOVES playing with Addison. They are baby wrestlers and I love the way they laugh together.

-Sleep is going okay, but not right now because she has a cold and has been up coughing for about an hour the past two nights. I'm tired.

-She loves to eat. The only thing I've tried to feed her that was not a hit was zucchini, otherwise, if she sees food she goes crazy and starts having a hissy fit because she wants it in her face. Bananas are a favorite.

-I adore her more and more with each passing second. How is that possible?

Thankful

2010-11-29T10:03:00.000-08:00

What a wonderful time of year.

My birthday present was purchased this weekend because holiday sales are the best. Ever since living with the Tanya, I have wanted a pair of cowboy boots. Then I married a man who wears his boots every Sunday to church. Finally, he bought me a pair. Aren't they pretty?

I think so.

The air is cold and smells of cozy fireplaces. Thanksgiving is still fresh in our hearts. I am so grateful for my family, my friends, my husband and my daughter. I am thankful for the gospel of Jesus Christ and the difference it makes in my life. I am grateful that we are getting by comfortably, with food in the cupboards and water in the pipes. We are so blessed.

Christmas is right around the corner. My decorations are still in their boxes, but they've made it from the garage to the house. I am excited to put them up, to bring holiday cheer into our home. I am really looking forward to Emma's excitement when she sees the tree lit up for the first time. This is going to be a lot of fun.

Time

2010-11-11T10:30:00.000-08:00

Flies.

Yesterday I turned 28. I like birthdays, I especially like my birthdays, so I have no complaints.

Today, Emma celebrated 9 months of life. Wow. She has been a living, breathing person in the world for the same amount of time that it took to grow her inside of me. That is amazing. We went out to Chinese food for dinner tonight and the fortune inside my cookie said, "Remember 3 months from this date. Good things are in store for you." Yes, they are. I can't believe my kidlette is so close to being a year old.

Here is a list of her latest and greatest achievements:
Crawling like a champ.
Standing up while holding onto anything for support
Cruising all over the place while holding on to anything for support
2 bottom teeth
She can pick things up with just her finger and thumb - she loves to feed herself!
She repeats sounds. We can get her to say "Dada," "kiki" (for kitty), "DuhDuh" (for doggie), and sometimes "baba" (for bye-bye).
She laughs hysterically with her mouth wide open and her tongue out.
She is about 27 inches tall.
I don't know how much she weighs.
She claps her hands and it is adorable.

I love her.

Great Clip?

2010-10-11T10:02:00.000-07:00

The thing about hair is that it's only hair. In my experience it always grows back, so I don't have much of a problem with taking a chance when getting it cut. Usually, when I get an urge for a haircut, I drive over to my local cheap place and have them chop it. There's always a risk since it's a different hair stylist every time and I'm only paying $15 for a haircut, but like I said, it's only hair. There have been times when I have planned ahead and made an appointment with someone who I know does a fantastic job, but then I have to wait days, sometimes weeks, before my glorious haircut day. I don't like waiting.

Saturday I decided to get a haircut. I drove to a different local cheap place because my father in law gave me a coupon and I couldn't resist $10.95 for a haircut. Upon entering I became instantly aware that this place was a little less classy than my usual spot, but oh well, it's only hair. As usual, I told the hairstylist to cut my hair, oh, about this long and trim my bangs and I'm not too picky, so go for it. She was a little, old Asian lady and she didn't make small talk. She did a pretty good job considering my hair had decided to be every-which-way kind of wavy that day. My hair got trimmed up nice and short and I am happy, but every time I look in the mirror I can't help thinking that my hair is some kind of mix between this

and this

Where to begin?

2010-09-23T13:49:00.000-07:00

I compose little blog posts in my head frequently, only rarely do I find the time to sit and write. I don't actually have the time right now, but I'll steal a moment or two before I get to my chores.
Never mind the nap that I should be taking.

The new shopping carts at Target make me feel like I am a Lego person. I like the look, but I don't like feeling squarish and made of plastic. Target is probably my favorite store, however, I'm a little let down by the "glorious" new grocery department. They got me so excited for the arrival of fresh produce and I was expecting great things. The selection is alright, but they're selling fruits in itty-bitty quantities that wouldn't last fourteen seconds at my house. I'll just have to stick to the farmers' market and Costco for my berries.

My life is a little bit wacky.
One day I think I have the hang of this motherhood, staying-at-home, master of the universe thing because everything goes smoothly. I accomplish multiple tasks around the house, run errands, and go for a walk, all while juggling flaming torches. (Substitute "poopy diapers" for "flaming torches" for a more accurate description.) The next day everything falls apart and all I want to do is sleep, but there are still chores to do and torches to juggle, if you know what I mean. My mood is on a roller coaster, complete with flips and turns that make my husband want to vomit. Will I ever get the hang of this? Why did those 1950s idealistic family television shows ever exist? I am fairly certain that I will never have dinner ready for my family by the time Barry comes home from work. I've only made dinner twice in the past seven months. Granted, I have never been the type to make dinner on a regular basis, but still.

Fall is definitely in the air and I am grateful. I love the change of the seasons, the coolness, the holidays, and the sense of something new in the air. Driving with my windows down, that air gave me a brief recollection of an earlier time in my life. It felt like college, maybe high school. I remember when autumn meant that a new year was beginning. Life was full of possibilities and I was full of hope and anticipation. Things were simpler, responsibilities were fewer, and my heart was light. It's interesting how life changes and I move forward without realizing the world I've left behind.

This is my world now:
Emma is now about 7 and a half months old. Her first tooth started making its entrance two weeks ago. It is still a little thing, but it is definitely there, sharp as can be. She had been rocking on her hands and knees for some time and could pseudo-crawl in a circle (always turning to the left) for a little while, but began to really crawl at the end of last week. It is amazing to see how quickly she masters new skills.

She loves to crawl towards the cats, or any colorful object. She gets great pleasure from banging things together to make a little noise. One of her favorite activities is crawling to the vertical blinds and slapping them around. Her language skills are blossoming with a whole new repertoire of sounds. There are too many to name and when she is in a good mood she meshes them all together into a fun world of baby talk. My favorite is her gargling, it is adorable. Her appetite is ravenous, and she gets extremely cranky when the food is not getting into her face quickly enough. (She is clearly related to me.) I can't wait until she figures out how to feed herself so that I stop getting yelled at in baby language at the dinner table. She is not sleeping through the night. She is still nursing at least five times a day and once to three times at night. (Yes, I am exhausted.) She has become very good at napping. Her hair still sticks up straight and the mullet is regrowing. Her smiles are huge and amazing.
She is the brightest light in my life.

A Man I Know

2010-08-11T14:54:00.000-07:00

We've all seen crazy in the movies.

The actor is being payed well to have that wild look in his eyes and gesture foolishly as he rambles loudly about his experiences. His stories are vivid, full of tangents and unexplained details. A streak of violence manifests itself in his voice, his movements. His perception is different, he can see light of an unmeasurable wavelength and hear people that cannot be seen. His manic hair and weathered skin only add to the wildness of his manners. The phrases he coins make the audience chuckle, maybe ponder at what makes a man insane. Is it possibly just genius gone awry? Can this be real?

I don't chuckle when it's on my doorstep, when the wild eyes are as familiar as my own. There is no camera here, no makeup artist or acclaimed director, only my brother, his demons, and me. The stories are his own, not cleverly written or thought through beforehand, just raw experiences tied up in his unimaginable point of view. Is it possibly just genius gone awry? I don't know. It's positively unnerving, though.

I keep hoping that he'll stop talking mid-story, look at me with full sanity and comprehension and say, "Got Ya! Didn't I!?!?!"

Sadly, that's never going to happen.

Goodbye Baby Mullet

2010-06-21T21:59:00.001-07:00

This is what I did today...

So much better.

I'm not so sure...

2010-06-20T21:06:00.000-07:00

To My Hips:

What happened? We used to be friends, but due to your recent expansion I am having a hard time maintaining our relationship. I know growing a baby was hard work for you, but you really didn't have to get any wider. She didn't even come out that way. Now I have zero pants that fit me. It's not like I can quickly buy some new ones, since I have no idea what size, styles, or brands fit my new figure. Shopping for pants has become a drawn-out, dreaded experience that only ends in frustration. I hope you are happy.

Here we go.

2010-05-28T20:45:00.001-07:00

I have officially put my teaching career on hold to focus on being a mommy.

It's never easy to say goodbye to my class is each year, but this time it was particularly difficult. I won't see these kids in the hallways. I won't be there for former students to visit during recess or before school. I won't walk onto the playground and get attacked by a mob of hugging girls. Teachers teach because we love children and we love learning. I don't know if I've made a profound difference in any of my students' lives, but many of them have touched my heart and forever changed me.

Ah, Bethany School and all of my little munchkins. I'm going to miss everything.

My daughter is amazing. I am so glad to be able to spend more time with her, except I don't know if I'm up for the challenge. Taking care of 23 second graders is a lot different than caring for one 3.5 month old. Plus I have training and practice with teaching. Baby care is a whole new world. Pregnancy wasn't so bad because I knew that if I wanted to take care of the baby all I had to do was take care of myself. Now that she's living outside of my body I have to find time to take care of both of us, and not neglect the hubby. It is a balancing act that I have not mastered and honestly doubt if I ever will.

You know what will help get me through?

Sweet Baby laughter and the fact that she finds the dog absolutely hilarious. Nothing brightens my day more quickly than the sound of her giggles.

A breath of fresh air

2010-05-22T09:22:00.000-07:00

This is my first day off since April 5th and it is oh so amazing. I can't believe how relaxing it is to be get up in the morning and know that I have hours before I need to leave the house. Laundry doesn't seem like a chore when I actually have time to fold it. This is incredible and I am greatly looking forward to the end of the school year next week.

My Barry is another year older today. Happy Birthday to him!

Baby Bean is sick with her second cold. I'm fairly certain she takes after me in the mucus production department. Poor thing. It is kind of cute when she snores, though. Though I like how long she sleeps when she's not feeling well, I'm hoping it clears up quickly.

I've got report cards to finish, Sharing Time to plan, laundry to do, and a cake to bake. Please excuse me.

countdown

2010-05-03T05:56:00.000-07:00

Dear 5:30 A.M.,

Though you are much nicer during these Spring mornings, I have to be honest, I do not like you very much. I am counting down our days together and am delighted to say that there are only 18 left. I cannot wait for the glorious day when I push the little "off" button next to my alarm that says "5:30 A.M. Monday - Friday." Until then, Boo on you.

Sincerely,

Sleepy Sarah

Baby Blessing

2010-04-19T09:14:00.000-07:00

We blessed Emma in church yesterday. It was wonderful. She wore a dress for the first time and was absolutely beautiful. (I'll post a picture later.) We felt so loved and supported by the friends and family who were there. It was a special day.

The day would have been filled with more photos, family time, and fun, but I had a nasty stomach flu that kept me on the couch. I'm taking today off work to recuperate. I figured it would be a bad idea to try to teach my class with only a few saltine crackers and 16 oz. of gatorade in my system.

On another note, Emma is starting to bat at objects! While lying "under the sea" she kept hitting her rattly octopus and I kept encouraging her. Hopefully this becomes a trend. She is also quite a stud at rolling from her tummy to her back.

It's crazy how the little things are so important.

Okay, I'm going to try eating a banana now. Wish me luck.

My first week as a working mom...

2010-04-16T21:20:00.001-07:00

I survived.

Monday was rough, but the rest of the week has been really good.

I'm delighted to see my kiddos at work and retrain them. (How quickly they forgot my rules, routines, and procedures.) Emma is doing fantastically well with babysitters. In fact, she's doing better with them than she does with me. I think it has to do with being bottle-fed. She's able to eat more and is actually satisfied enough to nap well. Darn me and my miniature feeding parts.

I have very little time at the end of each day, so I feel a little rushed and overwhelmed with all of this. However, we're making it work. In six short weeks the craziness will be over.

Only 29 school days left.

Just so I don't forget

2010-03-31T15:29:00.000-07:00

Yesterday little Emma started using her big, loud voice for happy sounds. It was a little alarming at first because I thought some screaming and crying were coming, but then I started laughing when I realized she was just talking. It was fantastic.

A couple of weeks ago she developed the ability to make spit bubbles. She has been practicing ever since.

This morning was the first time that she actually enjoyed her bath rather than just tolerating it.

She sucked on a pacifier like a champ during her hip ultrasound yesterday. When I tried to give her one today, she gagged and spat it out at me. She's very stubborn. (Her hips are just fine, the ultrasound was just to make sure she didn't have any hip dislocation issues as a result of her breech presentation.)

The little things...

2010-03-31T12:57:00.000-07:00

... make life sweeter.

listening to a wild storm in the night and waking in the morning to blue skies and sunshine
watching the sunlight move across the carpet as the sun rises each day
hearing the trains go through town in the middle of the night
toothless smiles
the way the carpet looks when vacuumed
singing along to The Beatles
bath time in the kitchen sink

(I am becoming quite proficient at typing one-handed.)

so what if it's 2:30AM

2010-03-25T02:31:00.000-07:00

I am so hungry and so tired.

How am I supposed to eat enough calories to produce enough good breast milk if I'm always nursing? How am I supposed to sleep enough to produce enough good breast milk if I have to eat during all of my spare time?

(This bagel is delicious.)

I love motherhood and am so in love with my daughter, but there are a lot of things going on right now that I do not love.

1. Winter wakes me more frequently than the baby. I know she's a 17-year-old cat with health issues, but why did I ever start feeding her during the night? This is awful.

2. I am not fat, I know, but none of my clothes fit. Cute maternity pants don't stay up now that I have no belly. Pre-preggo pants don't make it over my newly expanded hips. I'm left with stretchy exercise pants or pjs. I feel like a slob all of the time.

3. I hardly go anywhere or do anything. This is partly due to the fact that I have a highly demanding infant who needs fed every 2 to 3 hours. Also, please reread statement #2.

4. I go back to work in 2 weeks and I really don't want to leave my baby. I'm sure it will all be fine, but it's adding a lot of stress to my world. How do I plan for her needs while she is in the care of someone else?

Okay. I'm going back to bed now.

1 month later

2010-03-11T14:21:00.000-08:00

"...thou art an elect lady, whom I have called." -D&C 25:3

I can hardly believe that my baby girl is already one month old. It is amazing to think that I have spent exactly four weeks with this little miracle. Time moves so quickly.

Much has happened in those weeks. I have a ton of pictures on my camera that I will have to post at another time. (The cord to connect the camera to the computer is in my bedroom, where my husband is sleeping. I dare not disturb him.) There have been endless hours of nursing, too many diaper changes to count, baths, short stretches of precious sleep, baby coos, ahs, squeaks, and screams, much laughter, and many tears.

I don't want to forget anything about this incredible time in our lives, but there is so much to remember. There was my anxiety over her weight loss and the fact that she took about three weeks to regain her birth weight instead of making it by the doctor's goal of two weeks. There has been the nasty herbal supplement, the two-hour feeding schedule, and the post-nursing pumping in an effort to get my milk supply to increase. What fun. I've also had the joy of deciding to quit my teaching job for next school year so that I have more time with Emma at home. During this time I have come to love and appreciate my husband more than I ever thought possible. That has been one of the greatest gifts and blessings this little girl has brought into our home.

Enough about me. Here are some of the things I love about my daughter:

Her hair, when freshly washed, stands straight up all over. It reminds me of a bizarre cross between Sting and Annie Lenox. Oh, the 1980s.
She makes a loud, happy "AAH!" sound from time to time, usually after sneezing. It melts my heart.
She looks into our eyes now and watches our faces.
The girl can hold her head up like a champ.
She is so strong and can scoot across the floor on her belly if she has something to push her feet against. She can scoot pretty remarkably on her back as well. Her head ends up against the headboard of her cradle almost every morning now.
Her bright blue eyes are incredible.
Her preference for looking at church pictures on the walls makes me happy.
She loves her bouncy chair.
She does not startle or cry when the dog barks, thank goodness.
She is beautiful.

Motherhood is remarkable. I can't believe the love that I feel for this little one, it's like nothing else in the world.

I can't wait to see what the next month holds.

Emma's Birthday

2010-02-11T08:05:00.000-08:00

My c-section is scheduled for 12:30 this afternoon.

I. CAN'T. BELIEVE. IT!

The only downfall of the morning is that I can

't eat. I keep reminding myself that I've been fasting once a month for seven years now, it's not that hard to do! However, I haven't fasted for the past nine months. Pregnant ladies are very hungry and thirsty. There is some serious grumbling in my tummy.

Not that it matters in the grand scheme of things.

In a few short hours my life will change. Forever.

It's going to be a beautiful day.

Maternity Leave...

2010-01-30T05:46:00.000-08:00

This may be my first day of maternity leave, but my hungry pets don't know that. They're in a routine and I'm certain they can tell time. Hello 5:30 A.M. Can't say it's exactly nice to see you.

Now that the cats have had their breakfasts, I'm going back to bed.

in 3 weeks...

2010-01-21T21:16:00.000-08:00

In three weeks I get to hold my baby girl in my arms for the first time.

Little Emma is breech. She enjoys having her head in my ribs and isn't really interested in turning around so that she can "head out" of the womb the traditional way. I can't say that I blame her. Small spaces make some physical activities nearly impossible.

Take this (Only you have to imagine the septum extended ALL the way down the middle):

Plus This:

And you end up with a pretty good idea of what my uterus looks like.

Now imagine a baby filling up one side. (She's no tiny baby either. At 36 weeks she's weighing in at approximately 7 pounds and has a large head.) Could she be able to flip around in the next few weeks? Well, she could. You could zip yourself up in a sleeping bag and then try to invert yourself, but it won't be easy. Trying isn't the issue here. Success is limited by the amount of space available.

Anyway, breech baby + weird uterus = planned cesarian delivery.

Thursday, February 11th, here we come.

Oh my goodness...

What a day...

2009-12-29T21:26:00.000-08:00

My day began poorly at around 1 A.M. I woke up because the dog needed to go out, but then I stayed awake for a variety of reasons. My brain wouldn't stop thinking of a million things, I could feel my stress levels rising, and of course, my body was achy and sore. I went to bed late in the first place and then I was up for 2 hours in the middle of the night. Awesome.

I cried when I left Target this morning. No particular reason, I just got out to my car and had a brief cry. When I got home I cried again because my cat loves me, and because I was hungry and didn't know what to eat. I cried some more because my brand new vacuum is broken and I was on hold with Sears FOREVER, only to be disconnected when the guy finally answered. So I called back and waited on hold a second time and cried a little more only to find out that I really didn't need to make an appointment. Awesome.

Sears was good to me when I dropped off the vacuum. Things were looking up. The appointment with my doctor was great. Everything is going well with my little one's development. Her heartbeat is stronger and louder than ever and her size is right on target. (Stop telling me I'm tiny.)

Then, my car wouldn't start. Can you guess what I did? Yes. I cried some more. Keep in mind that I really am not much of a crier. Isn't pregnancy awesome?

My husband is my hero. He came to my rescue, jumped my car, followed me to the store, and replaced my battery in the parking lot. Then he came with me to the temple.

That was exactly the way I needed this insane day to end. Thank goodness we live so close to the Oakland Temple. Thank goodness it was still lit up beautifully with Christmas Lights. Thank goodness I have such a wonderful life.

She's Number 1

2009-12-28T21:55:00.000-08:00

People ask, "What are you naming her?"

I say, "Emma."

One common response: "Oh! That's so cute! Just darling! I love it!"

The other common response: "I just heard that Emma is ranked as the #1 most popular baby name right now."

Awesome. Thanks for the information. Did you want me to name her something weird just to be different?

Here's what the internet tells me about the name Emma:

Popularity Rank in the U.S. Population

Year	Rank	Total out of 1,000,000 Babies
2008	#1	9,043 babies
2007	#3	8,698 babies
2006	#2	9,154 babies
2005	#2	10,035 babies
2004	#2	10,722 babies
2003	#2	11,330 babies
2002	#4	8,379 babies
2001	#13	6,723 babies
2000	#17	6,286 babies
1999	#17	6,021 babies

So, in the past seven years the name Emma has been in the top five. That's funny, because I work in an elementary school and I know of only one girl named Emma who is under seven years old.

Hi. My name is Sarah. Would you like to see the popularity of my name? (Too bad! I'm showing you anyway!) Check this out.

2008	#20	4,332 babies
2007	#18	4,713 babies
2006	#15	5,322 babies
2005	#15	5,672 babies
2004	#12	6,306 babies
2003	#12	6,852 babies
2002	#8	7,472 babies
2001	#6	8,024 babies
2000	#5	8,863 babies
1999	#4	9,809 babies
1998	#5	10,253 babies
1997	#4	10,834 babies
1996	#4	10,964 babies
1995	#5	11,118 babies
1994	#5	11,428 babies
1993	#3	12,288 babies
1992	#5	12,289 babies
1991	#6	12,404 babies
1990	#6	12,568 babies
1989	#5	13,948 babies
1988	#4	14,750 babies
1987	#5	14,883 babies
1986	#5	15,249 babies
1985	#5	13,477 babies
1984	#5	14,354 babies
1983	#5	15,216 babies
1982	#4	15,707 babies
1981	#4	15,760 babies
1980	#5	14,466 babies
1979	#6	12,196 babies
1978	#8	12,157 babies

For TWENTY-FOUR YEARS Sarah has ranked in the top 10. It's #20 for 2008... not too shabby. The year I was born there were apparently 15,706 other Sarahs for every 1,000,000 babies born. (This doesn't even count all of the girls who don't have the "h" on the end!)

Sarah ranked #4 in 1982 with a total of 15,707 Sarahs. If the data from 2008 holds true, yes, Emma may be the #1 ranking name of 2010, but there will only be 9,000 something Emmas out of 1,000,000 babies. That's nothing compared to what I've experienced over the years and I turned out okay. (Mostly.)

Oh Emma. You are so amazing.

5 Days Until Christmas

2009-12-20T16:15:00.000-08:00

"How do the little piggies eat?"

I feel like doing this 99% of the time.

Thank goodness Winter Break is here. I have two weeks of NO WORK at all. I am trying not to cram too many activities into this time off so that I can maybe enjoy some relaxation time. Fat chance. I've got a to-do list the size of a small country. School stuff, Primary Stuff, and (my personal favorite) Getting-Ready-for-Baby stuff!

Hooray for the holidays. Who else still has to do all of their Christmas shopping?

So Thankful

2009-11-30T09:13:00.000-08:00

I hope you all had a good Thanksgiving.

Mine was wonderful, but it has been a busy four days and I pushed myself too hard. Thursday was Thanksgiving with my family (about 3 hours in the car). Friday was Thanksgiving with Barry's friends and family (about 2 hours in the car). Thats when the occasional cough I've had increased in frequency. Saturday was work at the vet's, then a drive to Eureka for Grandma Dee's 80th Birthday (5 and a half hours in the car). That night I slept poorly on a mattress that was too firm for my sore hips and achy back. Sunday, visit with the family some more, then drive the 5 and a half hours home. Sitting that much during pregnancy is not a good thing.

I got home exhausted last night and kept pushing myself to get things done so I could get to bed early. My hot shower followed by the chills was my first clue that maybe I wasn't just tired. My pregnancy book says that I should call my doctor immediately if I have a fever of 102 F or higher. Mine was 101 F. Awesome. I still didn't know what to do.

Then I asked my husband for a blessing.

If this pregnancy has taught me anything, it has taught me to have greater faith in the power of the priesthood. The only blessings I had received before being pregnant were blessings of comfort when I was emotionally struggling. I asked for blessings then because of the spiritual nature of my problems. I never asked for them when I was physically ill because I doubted the connection between spiritual matters and physical illness.

That has changed. I have received three blessings for physical ailments since I've been pregnant.

This little love inside of me is my world. Her health is the most important thing in my life, so my health is more important to me than it's ever been. I have tested my faith for this child, not for myself, and I am so glad that I have, because my testimony of blessings has finally formed and grown strong.

With the help of a blessing and some acetaminophen my fever dropped steadily. I talked to a nurse and doctor on the phone. I called in my absence for today and lined up a substitute teacher. I had my plan in place should things get worse instead of better. However, each time I woke up during the night I felt more and more like myself.

Now I have the day off to rest and recover, to sleep and relax.

Today I am most grateful for my family. I am grateful for my body and for my growing baby. I am thankful for my husband and for his worthiness. I am thankful for Target brand acetaminophen, digital thermometers, and telephones. I am especially grateful for my Heavenly Father, for the power of His priesthood, and for the love that He has for me.

Thanksgiving Week!

2009-11-22T21:14:00.001-08:00

Where have I been?

Mostly here. There a little.

Things are coming along nicely for our little girl's room. That's been my main obsession for the past six months. It's been frustrating at times. There have been many things that I could not do, so I had to try and be patient while waiting. Emotional, pregnant me had a hard time with that.

I am overjoyed to have an ENTIRE week off of school. I need this break so badly. My students and I were burning out. We needed a little time and space away from all things school. Of course my time off will still be packed full of things to do. I should probably plan some time to do nothing at all for a change. Wouldn't that be nice?

Thanksgiving is four days away. Thank goodness.

24 weeks...

2009-10-29T22:12:00.000-07:00

... and things are looking good.

I'm extremely tired at night and in the mornings. Again. So why am I playing around on the internet instead of sleeping in my cozy bed, snuggled with my cat? I really have no idea.

Work is going well. Tomorrow is our Halloween celebration. I love being surrounded by children who get so excited and swept up in the magic of fun holidays. I can't wait to see all of their silly costumes! Several of us teachers decided to wear our old caps and gowns to be graduates. I only rented the black one I wore for my college graduation, so I'll be sporting my lovely, yellow, GHS cap and gown. It's awesome.

I'm looking forward to hanging out at home this Halloween. No crazy parties, no late nights. Just my husband, me, the couch, The Nightmare Before Christmas, and some candy for the trick-or-treaters. Sounds like a lovely plan.

Goodnight all, and happy haunting.

The Results Are In...

2009-09-29T20:58:00.000-07:00

Ultrasound imaging is truly incredible. I love technology. I love the miracle of being able to see my unborn baby, hear her heartbeat, and watch her move.

That's right. I said, "HER."

Little Baby started the appointment very modestly. Her knees were together, legs crossed at the ankles, a real lady. However, after some jiggling and poking, she woke up and moved around so we could get a nice view of her girly parts. I'm glad she cooperated, but now that I know her gender she can go back to that more modest behavior she was practicing so perfectly.

How do I feel?

Yeah. That pretty much sums it up!

Hooray for our baby girl! She's healthy! She's beautiful!!!!

Give me a high-five!!!!

That's my girl!

The City by the Bay

2009-09-02T17:45:00.000-07:00

I had to go to San Francisco for a bit of business today. It was the first time I've ever taken BART to the city all by myself. What a grown up I am!

I enjoy going there and taking in all of the sights. The skyline when I first came up the escalator from below ground is really incredible. Do every day commuters even notice? The people walking by in their variety of styles are wonderful to watch. My favorite moment of the day was when I noticed two matching clocks mounted on the same building. They were at a corner, one clock facing south, one facing east, so I could see both at the same time as I approached. However, I wasn't seeing both at the same time, because one was five minutes behind the other. How can you mess up the synchronization of two clocks that are so very near each other? It made me smile.

I wish I had taken a picture.

I met a man who was very nice. We went to the same college and would have had a lots to talk about if we had met under different circumstances. Unfortunately, we cannot be friends and today's meeting was almost all business. Oh well. It was a new experience to add to my collection. ;)

Also, hooray for my Lil' Casey, her mad S.F. driving skills, and delicious, authentic Mexican food! Mmm...

Patron of Animals

2009-08-23T21:27:00.000-07:00

My middle name is Diane. That part of my name has always caused me to feel a certain reverence for the Roman Goddess Diana. Likewise, I am fond of her Greek counterpart, Artemis. She is the Goddess of the hunt, virginity, and also known as the patron of wild animals.

I don't know how much I identify with some aspects of Diana's fame, but that last part is spot on. In the year that I have lived in my own home, I have been fortunate enough to help a great many animals. Last summer there were several kittens, and (my favorite) a bunny. The greatest was the time that I walked out of my house, knelt to the ground, and had three chihuahuas come straight to me. Two men had been following those little dogs for blocks, offering them food and trying to get close enough to check their collars for tags, but the chihuahuas were not interested. Then I came along and all was well. That made me feel good.

Today I got to do another good animal deed, but this one was more rewarding somehow.

I was sitting at the kitchen table, eating lunch and facing the window, when I noticed a black pomeranian running across the street. I went outside and called to her. She ran straight to me, let me scoop her up, and gave me kisses. She had on a pink collar that had a cute tag which said "Princess" on one side and "Chloe" with a phone number on the other. Chloe most certainly was a princess. She was well groomed, smelled of a woman's perfume, and sat on my lap like we were old friends. We called the number but only got a voice mailbox, so we left a message. I had Barry knock on a few doors, but we didn't find her owner. With no other options but to wait, we took her inside and hung out. Eventually, I ended up taking a nap on the floor with little Princess Chloe by my side, she was so sweet and cuddly. When Barry's phone rang we were happy to hear that Chloe's owner was right across the street, our neighbor's girlfriend who was visiting for the weekend. We walked out and met them and I could see how happy both Chloe and her mom were to be back together. I felt good to see their joy.

A little while later there was a knock on the door. Chloe's mom stood there with some dessert treats for Barry and I. She told me how grateful she was, how she had just recently lost her son, and that she didn't know what she would have done if she'd lost her dog. I almost cried listening to her. I told her I was happy to help.

If I see an animal in need, I help it. That is just my nature.

It makes me feel good and strong when I do something that seems like a small thing, something that comes so naturally to me, and later realize that it is a huge blessing to someone else. It's during moments like that when I catch a glimpse of heaven and I am so grateful for my talents, my strengths, and my heart.

All sorts of good news...

2009-08-09T14:20:00.000-07:00

I can start talking about a bunch of stuff now:

I'm the Primary President in my ward. That means I'm responsible for all of the children and teachers every Sunday. I'm very excited but also extremely intimidated by the whole idea. I know it will be great, I just hope I can do a wonderful job and take care of everyone.

Barry just got called as the 2nd councilor in Elders Quorum. That's a pretty important calling. He'll be over all of the home teaching in the ward, and service, and who knows what else. I'm so proud of him.

We're going to be parents in February! Holy macaroni! It's going to be amazing and wonderful, I'm so excited! I found out in early June and have been doing my best (unsuccessfully) to keep it a little bit of a secret until now. I have been blessed with no morning sickness, but I've been extremely tired. Thank goodness the 2nd trimester is coming along just in time to start up another school year. We'll find out if it's a boy or a girl on September 29th, as long as the baby doesn't keep it a secret from us! Wow. This is all so amazing.

I'll be keeping you posted!

so much to say, so much to say, so much to say, so much to say...

2009-07-17T09:12:00.000-07:00

...but I can't talk about it.

There is a lot going on in my life at the moment, but everything is currently either private or unwise to write about on the internet. Regardless, I need to vent a little steam, so I'll do it cryptically.

I'm anticipating the weight of some heavy responsibilities from all avenues of my life, and it seems that they will all come down on me simultaneously. I am a relatively strong person, however, new situations always get me worrying and doubting, and I am a champion worrier. Luckily, I have faith that can pull me through and a knowledge that my Heavenly Father will never give me more than I can handle. That doesn't mean it's going to be easy though.

Life is good, don't get me wrong. Two out of the three new situations are very positive, (Only one is ridiculously negative.) but they are still new and therefore a little bit intimidating. I'm sure each will work out wonderfully, and when they do I'll be able to tell you all about it.

Adventures in Ohio.

2009-07-06T11:03:00.000-07:00

Summertime has been good to me. There have been a lot of lazy mornings, leisurely walks with the dog, and quiet moments with books. I've had several outings with friends and one wonderful trip to Ohio with the husband. It's hard to believe that I'll be back in the classroom in month.

(This entry is for me to remember our adventures. I'll warn you right now that it's long and it isn't always worded beautifully.)

Ohio was glorious for so many reasons.
The trip was Barry's second ever trip in an airplane and first flight as an adult. It was my first experience renting a car. I had never driven in Ohio before. I had never even been there without my parents either. How strange to be a grown up...

We left San Francisco airport around midnight the night of June 19th. Our flight was an hour late because of storms that had closed down Chicago's airport earlier in the day. We flew United, which isn't my favorite airline, but was part of the package deal, so we made the most of it. Flying in the middle of the night is horrible, no matter what company owns the plane. After landing in Chicago O'Hare, we walked about a mile (I may be exaggerating, but not much!) through the airport to get to our next flight. That place is huge! Barry took a nap on the floor for an hour, then we boarded the tiny plane that would take us to Akron.

Landing in Ohio makes me happy every time.

We met up with my very first friend ever, Melissa, at a restaurant in Akron called Rockne's.It was great to talk with her, meet her husband, and catch up on each other's lives. We've kept in contact off and on through the years and it is so good to know that we still feel comfortable around each other after all this time.

Next stop, Hubbard! I drove the familiar yet foreign path to Grandpa's house while Barry slept. I love the way that the horizon in Ohio is where the tops of lush, green trees meet a blue sky full of puffy, white clouds. Random side note: There are more radio stations to choose from back there. We never lacked good music in the car.

I got emotional as we got off the highway and made our way to the house that holds so many good memories. Though I had never been the one driving before, I could have done it with my eyes closed, the roads are printed so deeply into my memory. There we were. Grandma and Grandpa's house. It doesn't hold the charm it used to now that they are gone.

Uncle Dan and Dave were there doing their weekly yard work. We talked, wandered the property and spent some time relaxing. I showed Barry around, sharing specific memories at certain locations. He humored me like a good man. Dan and Dave took us out to dinner at the first Quaker Steak and Lube which used to be a gas station belonging to Grandpa's uncle.

Good times were had.

We checked into our hotel in West Middlesex, PA and passed out for the night. Sunday was Father's Day and we made it to church just in time, despite the fact that Tibbets-Wick Road did not have a street sign. We ate lunch at Bob Evans, which is apparently Barry's type of restaurant. I am so glad he loved it as much as I do.

Father's Day was spent visiting the sites of my forefather's graves. I really enjoyed driving to each of the cemeteries and finding everyone.

The graves of my Great-great-great Grandparent's who came from Ireland.

My grandmother's parents in the front. My grandparents stone is behind.

We then visited Daffins, ate at Eat'n Park, and went to Buhl Farm. Hooray for PA!

Monday we headed up to Kirtland, Ohio. I can't really begin to explain our wonderful experiences there. We toured the temple and sang "The Spirit of God" while inside. We wandered the cemetery, ate yummy food (I had pizza!), then toured Historic Kirtland. We went inside the Newel K. Whitney store and sat in rooms that have such powerful history. It was amazing.

From Kirtland we went to Willoughby for a place to stay. We visited Lake Erie and relaxed. The next day we went back to Akron, visited Uncle Dan one more time, the headed to the airport to leave the land I love. It was a good vacation, four days packed full of great experiences and memories. I am so glad that Barry enjoyed himself in an area that brings me so much joy.

Feline Frenzy

2009-06-05T10:56:00.001-07:00

My dearest love has turned into an old lady.

Meet Winter.

She entered the world in April of 1993. I was ten years old and blessed to adopt her into my life. We grew up together, caring for each other, both believing that the other was the child who needed nurtured. As a kid I snuggled her under the covers and waited for her to fall asleep against my side. I did foolish things too, like shut her in the bathroom with me when I dried my hair, even though I knew she was afraid of the hairdryer. I only did that so that I could rescue her, so she would cling to me for dear life as if I was the only thing that could protect her. I cherished that feeling of being needed, of being someone's hero. Even now, no matter how stressed she becomes, I know that I can calm her by lying on my back and placing her on my chest. I'll rub her ears, she'll purr, then she'll lick my nose. We're best friends.

Winter is 16 years old now, a geriatric kitty. I've watched her slow down over the years, sleep more, play less, lose weight and start looking, well, old. I monitored her weight, checked her blood work at regular intervals, but there's not much you can do for old age. However, in the past few weeks we've noticed a drastic change in her ability to see. I took her in to my part-time work place and the vet checked her out. Detached retinas. Her blood pressure is high. Her heart murmur has become louder. Blood work confirms kidney disease. I figured as much.

I started feeding her special food for her kidneys two days ago. I mixed in vitamins as well as a tiny quarter of a pill to lower her blood pressure. She has always been a bit of a piglet and canned food has been a special treat in the past, so she was extremely excited to start eating this delicious, stinky, wet food. That day was awesome, she ate happily, seemed to be feeling well, and had no complaints. Yesterday went just as smoothly, but early this morning she decided to stop cooperating and has had no interest in eating since.

Bribery with chicken broth hasn't worked.

I don't know what to do.

I hate knowing that she doesn't feel well enough to eat but not knowing how to make her feel better. I've been mentally preparing for her departure from this earth, but I don't look forward to that moment. I don't look forward to the hours leading up to it either.

Oh, my sweet child. She's been beside me through it all. She has been a constant friend through all of my ups and downs: puberty, those angst-filled teen years, the loves and break-ups, the growing up, the marriage and moving out. She has never let me down. I just hope I can return the favor.

Isolated T-Storms

2009-06-04T12:15:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, Barry and I went to the chiropractor. I am a little bit uncomfortable with the idea of someone crunching my spine so that it cracks in various places, so every time the doctor made an adjustment, I let out a ridiculous, nervous laugh. I just can't help it. My spine was snap crackle popping and I was laughing like a hyena.

After our appointments, we decided we needed some fatty, greasy food. We sat in Ben's Burgers waiting for the meat to cook, and I listened to KKIQ blasting through the restaurant's speakers. Lady Gaga, followed by Jimmy Eat World, followed by Nickelback. Really? Then I heard it. The glorious weather report that informed me of the thunderstorm that was fourteen miles away and moving in our direction. Hallelujah!

We picked up our bag of delicious burgers and fries and headed home. As I drove, my eager eyes scanned the dark clouds.

Once parked in the driveway, the drops of rain began to fall more consistently. I stepped out of the car and stood, face up to the sky, my skin drinking in the drops from heaven. Then I heard it. My old friend Thunder was creeping across the sky and my heart and nose and skin were instantly transported to an early time, an earlier me. I was 6, scared in bed at the roar of the skies. I was 9, playing outside as the storm moved closer. I was in a greener, more humid place.

In real time, I was about to cry. Why? Why does something that brings me so much joy cause a bittersweet pain deep in my chest? The best explanation I have is that these memories of a younger, carefree time make me happy, but the knowledge that those times are forever lost saddens me. The hollow ache comes when I think of all the family members who have passed through the veil, those people who I love so much and who are no longer in that greener, more humid place. The places that are the most special to me were not made that way on their own. They were made magnificent by the people with whom I shared those spaces.
If the people are gone, do the locations hold the same power?

I went inside our house, leaving just the screen closed so that I could hear the roar and the splatter through the open doorway. I put on a sweatshirt and slippers and sat at the table in front of an open window. I watched the sky come to life with a flash. I heard the clouds echo with power. I saw the street splash and flow with cleansing rain. I was filled with joy, with a sense of peace and a knowledge that, though some things have to change, pieces of the magic will always return to spark a memory and bring life to sleeping dreams.

Maiden Voyage

2009-06-04T10:52:00.000-07:00

I keep trying to start here, but it feels like cheating.

I can't seem to leave Diaryland. Not Yet. So I'll just double-post for a little while and see how I feel. Here we go...